Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Living in a modern era doesn't give you the right to give up!
We are living off the ashes, and you are letting go.
It's that I have to keep quiet because I don't know how to say anything. I have to keep everything inside and it's killing me so much.
And every time I try to say something to ANYONE they look at me like i fucking fell from mars
no one knows
17 years I've been working on it, and I still don't know a thing. I know a lot, actually, but it's all INSIDE OF ME, nothing even comes out. It's building up like a cannon, like a flame, like a gun shot, it's trying to push out, like it manages to do for most people. maybe most people have nothing to say.
And maybe all these years I've actually said nothing. And now I want to say.
Say what?
That's it-
I don't know what to say.
What's in me is not words. It's colors, it's memories, it's emotions, it's light.
It's a bazillion things.
A bazillion things that have so much room in the world, liek an empty spot waiting for me to come out and shine, but I can't. I simply wish I could.
I Do Not Know how to express myself.
I can't in words, in painting, in photography, in music.
In nothing.
IN FUCKING NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is all the things I do NOT know how to express.
I am slow, steady, so that I won't rush my mind through the invisible swiveling doors that I keep banging into.
All the words that were even spoken in the history of the world can never explain well enough how I feel. Therefore, I will believe that I feel nothing.
I will be defined as Emotionless: Not belonging to any words.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you

Saturday, October 27, 2007


When I see one, I want to go up to him and yell at him, and show him, and make him CHANGE, so that he won't be a hypocrite anymore.
I felt this so strongly on Shabbat, in Ramat Beit Shemesh.
First of all, one thing that I hate is when people eat sunflower seeds and drop the shells on the ground- not even on soil, so they'd be able to somehow disintegrate, but on asphalt roads, where they just sit there- as if some maid is gonna come pick them up after them, or even better- it'll lie there and litter the city. SO when people do that, I want to ask them "What do you think you're doing? This country is not your garbage pail!". But usually the people who do it are in general not such respectful people, so I let it go.
But then, when I see black-huge-furry-hatted, black-coated people (charedi-dressed, obviously), I expect them to be wearing that costume for a reason! If they're like everyone else, they should wear what we all wear. Besides the fact that they kill animals and wear them as hats, that costume is supposed to represent something- I assume something spiritual, righteous, holy.
And then I hear them talking lashan harah and nibblilng on sunflower seeds and just DROPPING the shells on the floor. They're touching girls and laughing with the guys who are dressed like man whores, and it's Shabbat.
Their behavior was so different from their outfit, that someone whispered to me "is that a costume or is that for real?"
I wanted to go up to them and say, "Who's gonna pick up the seed shells that you're dropping? This is Israel, you're Supposed to be Caring about Israel, you fucking hypocrites!!!"
Even I care about Israel, and I don't dress like that.

Anyway, onto another topic, here's a beautiful poem:

גשם בשדה הקרב / יהודה עמיחי

גֶשֶׁם יוֹרֵד עַל פְּנֵי רֵעַי:
עַל פְּנֵי רֵעַי הַחַיִּים אֲשֶׁר
מְכַסִּים רָאשֶׁיהֶם בִּשְׂמִיכָה-
וְעַל פְּנֵי רֵעַי הַמֶּתִים אֲשֶׁר
אֵינָם מְכַסִּים עוֹד

Monday, October 22, 2007

It's a blue horse it's a green horse it's a purple horse, a red horse,
It's a gone horse
It's a real horse
It's a new horse
It's wrong.
It's right, it's blue and purple
Can you tell me where it's running
Through who's woods
And why is it so lost,
Blue horse,
Stand like we should all stand
Hold my tears from falling,
Blue horse, bad horse, sad horse,
In these deep solitudes and awful cells,
Where heav'nly-pensive contemplation dwells,
And ever-musing melancholy reigns;
What means this tumult in a vestal's veins?
Why rove my thoughts beyond this last retreat?
Why feels my heart its long-forgotten heat?
Yet, yet I love! — From Abelard it came,
And Eloisa yet must kiss the name.
I can't believe you're too scared to tell me
And I can't believe it's bothering me so much.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Maybe we are all meant to be the same, and our diversity is just the result of rebellion and not expression of our true selves. (I am human [i think...], which makes it hard for me to look at humanity objectively, but I try).
A large part of our thought is determined by our life occurrences- the way our lives are run forms who we are, which decides the we way our lives are run.
Therefore, it's a circle. If we all have the same lives, our minds will be the same, which will lead to us all having the same lives.
And the other way, too. The more different our lives are, the more different they'll be- the more different we'll become, the more different our lives will be.
So either we were born the same and became different, or we were born different.
That's the question: Is being different an expression of being our true selves, or is it an expression of trying to stop being the same? And if it's the latter, then why would we Choose to defy our nature and be different?
And that leads to another question: Which is easier- Being the Same, or Being Different?
Maybe the answer to this can help us answer the previous question: If it's easier to be different, then we can't know if we were born it or if we chose it. But if it's easier to be the same, then perhaps we were born different.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

A beautiful day in the history of the world

This is an ice-pop wrapper from this beautiful day

And this is a kif-kef wrapper from this beautiful day

Saturday, October 13, 2007

I don't know why, but it frustrates me so much when people don't understand what I'm saying.
With small stuff like if I say it was fun and they think I said I like the sun (cuz it rhymes so they mistake my words)
Or with bigger stuff like if I'm saying that my breakfast was arranged in a nice way, with colors and angles in good places, and they tell me food is supposed to be eaten and anyway I didn't have enough nutrition in that breakfast of mine.
Like, what the fuck?
People just entirely miss the point.
Like if I'm saying that I'm annoyed cuz this thing is taking so long they say it's okay because anyway cucumbers grow in the ground. I mean, sometimes there's just NO connection between things.
I'll say white is good. They'll disagree by saying black is bad. I'll say this is Fluzzly, they'll say flamingos are big, to prove me wrong.
No relevance
You see what I'm saying?
So much beauty breeding so much inspiration and motivation.
In colors, in lights, in angles, they all correspond to create the surreal scheme of reality.
There's so much to take in, so much to inhale, so much to see.
And so few ways to express it all and let it all back out, so it piles up in me and makes my brain be FLAMES.
In writing, words are floating in the air and it's hard to grasp onto the right ones. They chant the soft melody of the world but you have to be so precise that it can hardly ever express everything you want to portray.
In painting, in photography, I try to freeze one shot of what my eye sees- since I can't show you what my eye sees, I show you in my photograph.
I want you to know what I see and who I am and what I want.
But it's so hard to express it all.
It's locked inside me.
I want you to notice all the small beauties of the world, all the perfection that there is, all the nostalgia that makes you who you are.
Don't just walk your path- pick everything up along the way.
And always remember
Keep Looking.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Why can't the whole world be one big amusement park? Instead of doors we would have invisible screens like in a virtual ride where it opens up into a new world, there would be a curtain and when you walk through you're in another place.
We would stand on line and buy tickets for everything in our lives; tickets for happiness and tickets for disappointment and tickets for love. And if we don't buy enough tickets, or the right ones, our balance will be wrong. And we'd pay for the tickets so when our money'd run out we;d be able to buy no more Feelings. You'd just have to stick to who you are until you get money again.
And you'd be able to trade the tickets. Like trade Beauty for Intelligence or Intelligence for Beauty (depending on if you're in The Race, because The Race is about beauty*)
And we'd have small businesses like popcorn stands, and cotton candy, and clown shows, and we'd do performances on stilts and that's how we would meet people- going around performing. And when the budget would be low we'd have to give up on a few rides.
And there would be steep water slides, which would give us a prominent feeling of Non-Controlability, and rollercoasters, which would make us feel high and Losing Ourselves, and we would have bumper cars and that's how we'd get around. And we'd always have to stand on line for everything. Lines for Fame and lines for Happiness and lines for Perfection. And if you'd be pushed to the end of the line you might end up on the wrong line; on the line of Failure or Depression or Misunderstanding. And each ticket can be for any line which can be for any ride so you always have a combination of everything, that's where the complication and confusion is. Like you could buy a Hope ticket for the Patience line and the line will lead to the ride of Inspiration, and that's who you become. Hopeful and Patient and Inspired.
Inspired and Patient and Hopeful.
And then you'd wake up of course.
And there's no inspiration and no patience and even no hope.
There's just You.
*The Race- now became a real phrase in my dictionary, thanks beez :-)

Monday, October 08, 2007

We went around in a circle, 7 minutes each, kind of basically scheming out our plan of what we'll do for our final art project at the end of this year. We did this in a public discussion to get feedback and new ideas from everyone else. And I knew what I wanted to say but it seemed like forever before it was my turn, so I listened carefully to everyone because I always like to learn from everyone else.
When it was my turn, I said about how there's so much beauty in the world and I want to capture it but I don't want to tell people in my project "notice this" or "notice that" I wish they just already noticed it! Because once I have to cause someone to notice little beautiful things, they aren't noticing them anyone. So my art project can't be proving anything or showing a point because the point is already there- just open your eyes! It's all right in front of you.
They thought I meant that bad things are beautiful like war and school, but they didn't understand.
And I'm talking to you as if you understand (whoever You are) but maybe you don't either.
And then I started talking about inspiration and how there's inspiration in everything, and there's inspiration in memories- and everything triggers some sort of memory, like colors, smells, shapes, everything, and that's where the inspiration comes from. That's what makes me want to jump out of my skin, even at this very moment, because even talking about it is inspiring me. But where does all that inspiration go? Well I'm trying to keep my sanity right now I'm trying really hard to write this all down and not jump but I'm totally jumping inside. And also, I hate when I tell ppl that I'm locked up and they say "what are you talking about? You're not locked up, go unlock your front door, no one Locked you, you're not Locked." Becasue everyone thinks I meant Literally. No.

Btw I am so sick of ppl saying they're fat when they're not. "Oh, I'm so fat" "Oh I need to go on a diet" "OMG, you're totally NOT fat, look at me, I'm SO frikin overwieght".
And if any person ever says anything of the sort to me again, well you know what? FINE, you're FAT what do you want from me? SO go on a frikin diet and lose all that mass of weight


Saturday, October 06, 2007

So much inspiration, no way to express it all. Can't find any way to express myself.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

The world is too beautiful for me to take it all in. So my goal as a small human being is to be inspired and take in as much as possible.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007