Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Starting from today

I pick up a wad of white fur that's floating along the floor. I place it in the garbage, on top of the humongous pile of tissues, but quickly take it out again, try to savor it. What will I do with it? I ask myself if I should throw it out. The dilemma frustrates me; I don't know what to do. When one day he dies (our cat), will I be sad I don't have a piece of fur to feel between my fingers, or will a wad of fur just make me miss him more? Should I place it back on the floor now, so that maybe someone else will solve the problem themselves, or should I take the responsibility of being the decider of the fate of this cotton-looking soft, soft fur? I feel it a little more and float it along my cheek, and then put it back in the garbage pail. Bye-bye fur. Bye-bye sentiment.
Hello Life.
I have unfinished beginnings in so many fields of art: Unfinished paintings that are standing together against a wall with the finished ones; Ideas floating in my room, filling up every niche already but never being taken seriously; sculptures in my head that need to be made; Books waiting to be published: Words and words and words all around, in the closet, in my brain, on my blog, scattered like messy civilians all doing something different and belonging somewhere else; An existence that seems so wonderful and complex until I try to place it down on paper. Then it seems nothing.
הכל הבל הבלים
I sit on my bed, not sure what to do, where to move. The weight of my unsure mind is pushing me down, holding me in place. Every move is a move I've made before and didn't get anywhere with. The ceiling and walls are the same as always, and I wonder if maybe I need a new background, even though I feel like my room is so full of my own little inspiration and creativity?
Maybe it's time to have my own home, even though I feel like this place is such a wonderful place. I suppose I'll never really know until I dare to do such a thing as get married and move away.
And I've realized that I need a partner with me. I get lost alone, I'm unmotivated when I'm alone, I'm stuck. Completely stuck, going in circles.

With every passing day, I feel more useless and more dry and more lonely.
ע-ד מ-ת-י א-ו-ג-ו-ס-ט 08!!!

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