Friday, January 22, 2010

מתרגשתתתת =D!!!

Saturday, January 09, 2010

I miss Benjy so much!
If he would come visit that would make me so much happier than I am now.
Last post before I float off into another two weeks on base.
These words here make me feel so much better and safer, so I write them.
Ta ta for now.
Hopefully my week will be full of only good things.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

I'm home now from the base.
I feel so empty without deep mind analysis and philosophy. I realized that I need a weekly dose of philosophy to fill my soul. Without it, without writing and thinking and developing ideas with others and discussing opinions and psychology, I'm sad, empty, lonely and most importantly- כבולה (chained, restrained). We were at Netiv Kiryat Moriyah (Jm) this week to see it (because some of us will be sent to work there) and we sat in a class (to experience the classes the soldiers go through there). The one I was in was philosophical, with a guy from Nokdim (אני מנוקדים. מישהו שמע פעם על נוקדים? -אני מצביעה. -זה יישוב בגוש. ואז אני נזכרת- אף אחד לא יודע מה זה "הגוש". אני הדתייה היחידה פה)
Anyway, it felt so right to be there (I have to get to Netiv, it's perfect for me. The mashakiyot get to sit in the soldiers classes, and I would absolutely love to do that. To be able to be in their classes? These classes are amazing, an experience through Zionism and Judaism in it's deepest aspects. It's a shame that only these certain soldiers take this type of course. It's kind of like mechina. And with mechina I also thought- it should be mandatory for everyone before the army.)
In any case, what I was saying is that the depth is just missing in my day-to-day life in the army.
Mechina was so filled with it and now I'm emptied out from it. I'm in the army all week, and I hardly have time to really ThInK with other people. I'd like to just sit on msn messenger like in the olden days and talk for hours, analyzing everything about our lives.
The course is great, but I'm not so happy in it most of the time. How is this possible?

I need freedom. And one friend told me, "well, if you're a free person then you should be able to find freedom in any kind of situation. To seek out your own inner freedom..." which should be true! But my mental emotions are very adherent to my physical surroundings, and it's hard for me to feel free when theyre are wire-gate closing me in, when I'm wearing a uniform, and whenI have to sit in a certain way in class or else. I know the importance of what I'm doing and I believe in what I'm doing. I'm going to be enhancing soldiers' Hebrew, connection to Judaism, to the land and to it's people, which is one of the most inspirational things to me. This course I'm in is without a doubt one of the best in the whole IDF, and sometimes it feels like an entire different army, sometimes like summer camp, and the girls are amazing each one more than the next, and the mefakdot really care, and the weather now is beautiful all hours of the day. But still. Still I am sad. Lonely. Empty. Eager. I imagine my future out of the army so often that I feel like I'm missing the whole point of the HERE and the NOW. Carpe diem. I so want to live in the present, these are the years of my youth. If I don't take advantage of them now, when will I? I won't stay young forever. I'm 20, and I need to be happy. But I'm not always happy. And it's hard. The whole army is hard, and it doesn't really fit or suit my soul. There's no way I'm going to go out to ktzuna. I'm finishing these two important years and kaput. Done. I want to be doing it, but I also want it to be behind me. That makes sense to me. But they keep talking to us about enjoying the moment, and it's true. I really am a person of enjoying the moment. And I'm there, sitting on the grass adn the grass is so beautiful and I smell it and it's relaxing like the summer, but I feel in my heart that I'm not free, not calm. I'm all tense inside of me. The blades of grass and the clouds and even the rainbows don't loosen me and free me.
The only thing that really frees me is thoughts, deep deep thoughts. When I get lost in an idea, I feel like my soul is free for a moment, until I snap back into reality and I'm still there in the base and I feel all dark and lonely again.
And the nights are horrible. In general I'm afraid of the dark and the dark makes me depressed, so in the army even more so. I try to be strong, but some nights I find myself crying from the minute the sun goes down until I go to sleep. A few nights ago my eyes stung by the time I got into bed from all the tears. And girls are wonderful, they ask me what's wrong and they talk to me, but there's nothing really wrong. Nothing specific. I'm just s-a-d. For now reason.

And I need Gilad more. 6 weeks without him is definitely not helping. I need to be with him to replenish my strength every week. With every passing week without him I feel weaker and weaker inside. Only two weeks passed and it seems like more. That means another 4 weeks. It's so hard.
The army, and not being with Gili, and not talking philosophy.
I guess the army is hard for everyone so I can't really complain.
I'm still trying to get to the bottom of this quote:
אין דרך לאושר;
האושר הוא הדרך לכאן
I seem to think it's deep, but it might be just another stupid quote. But I actually do this it is deep. But I'm trying to understand it, because the לכאן is confusing me. It's not parallel to the first line.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

העתיד הוא הנחמה שלי נגד הבדידות והפחד.
נראה לי שנתחתן באביב הבא.
השמלה שלי, אני לא מצליחה לצייר אותה. היא תהיה מבד שונה משל כולם, בד דק כזה כמו של סדין, משהו פשוט ויפה.
על ההזמנה אכתוב קצת משיר שאני מאוד אוהבת

אם לא שרת לי שיר עדיין
שירה לי מזמור חדש
שיר שהוא עתיק מיין ומתוק מדבש
שיר שהוא כבן אלפיים ובכל יום חדש
(נעמי שמר)

אולי אני מגזימה עם כל המחשבות האלה, אבל זה פשוט מה שמציל אותי בעיתות מצוקה כאלה ואחרים. כשאני בוכה, או רגשנית (כמו תמיד, כי אני רגשנית) אני לא יכולה שלא למצוא נחמה בדמיונות על ימים משותפים.

למרות שהקורס מדהים, תמיד יותר טוב לי פשוט להיות איתך