Monday, January 17, 2011

pending his return

I was on a bus back to Jerusalem on Mota"sh, after a relaxing and warm Shabbat in Beit Shemesh, knowing that tomorrow I'm starting another week of army service.

I love buses, the busride itself. I don't want the ride to end, especially when I'm going somewhere i don't feel like going, or if it's cold out and I don't want to have to get out of the seat and stand out in the cold, or have to walk somewhere alone in the cold at night.
I just want it to last hours. To sit and peer out the window, or listen to music, or fall asleep, or imagine happy things, and be allowed to not have to do anything, for this certain amount of time. I have no army obligations on a bus, it's just me, on a bus. And I can relax.

i imagined, on Motsa"sh, that I was riding somewhere far, and that on the other end, a warm house was waiting for me, or a warm car that would drive me to that house, and a warm person who was waiting for me. A warm, happy person who had nothing to do with the army.
Sort of like flying on a plane, and having Nana Leila and Pop pop be there on the other end, waiting for me. And all they want is what's good for me. No army, no anything like that.
Like landing in Psagot and getting into the Goldstein's warm house, to Gilad.
Like driving home to Beit Shemesh, having smiles greet me.
Like going to somewhere, to someones that love me. To a place that is free. To a place that encourages personal happiness and care for each other. is it a lot to ask for that my whole life?
I think it's fair, to expect to have that every day as long as I live.

The army is the opposite, as the Kaba"n says.
It's strict, it isn't personal or loving. It's purpose is Discipline, is reaching a certain goal, or being a small ant in a huge colony of olive green robots, in order to fill a specific place in the big story, and not just for the sake of being Me. I'm not Me, I'm a Mashaki"t Hora'a, and that's my purpose there. And in real life, I'm Miriam, and I'm allowed to do whatever I want, and if I want to paint now I can paint and if I want to run I can run, if I want to be something else, I can be something else, if I want a hug I can just get a hug, I can say, 'Gilad, can you give me a hug?" And he'll stop in the middle of whatever he's doing and say "בטח, מתוקה" (or sometimes "בטח, פיה שלי""of course, my fairy!") and he'll come over and hug me hug me hug me so that I can feel him, feel his love and admiration, and his desire to do good and to be close. And the army swallowed Gilad up so that I can't get a hug whenever I want (more correctly- I can Hardly Ever be hugged- just for a few days every 3 weeks). because they took us to fill a certain gap, to fill a duty. And that task that I'm doing, it doesn't matter if it's Miriam or Sara or Shmoolik or Banana, as long as the work gets done, and that's also what's so different from the real world- where people want me because I'm Me.

He said, there's not much to do about that, that I'm so opposite from the world of Army. I'll just have to keep surviving until it's over. I said I want him to help me cope with it, he said there's no magic, it'll keep on being hard until the end.

Sometimes it's not hard, and sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just so used to it being hard that I'm "making" it hard. In any case, I'm so deep in this sea of despair, that whether or not I'm making myself sad, or if I'm really sad, I need to get out of it, and start again.
Maybe every once in a while you need to recognize the shit you've deeply sunken into and muster you're way out, and start a new page in your life.
Maybe it's cycles like that all throughout life.

But what will always always stay will be Gilad.
When I decide to change or to do something crazy, Gilad will always be there. And that's the one thing in life that must never change, never terminate. We must always grow and learn together and be happy with each other, even if one day that'll get hard (I can't see that happening, but it's what experienced people say).
It's the one certainty that should be mended into my arteries, into my soul.
The one warmth that will continue to warm.
A sun that will never set.
A love that will never cease.

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