Sunday, February 27, 2011

Yesterday morning I woke up with a sort of rash on both my cheeks, little red bumps all over, really weird. It feels strange to run my hand over it, but I do it sometimes to check if they're still there. I wish they'd go away, I don't know how to get rid of them. It makes me look less pretty, hopefully it'll quickly disappear.
This is how I feel now:
I am happy right now that I'm in my apartment, it gives me cover and warmth, I feel safe.
A few things slightly puncture that:
Tomorrow I need to go to a different base until Wednesday, I don't really like going to other bases, although this time it may be fun.
Gilad is not home and may not be for another 11 days (he's been gone for a week already). It's hard because
I need to hear the whistle of his voice in my atmosphere
The vitality of his being in my realm
To know that I'm safe
In the merging of my fearful self
Into an evergreen serenity.
It's actually crazy, insane, that it'll be three whole years of seeing Gilad never more than one week at a time. What a crazy existence we have here in this country.
My love, my fiber
Illucid and invisible most of the time.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

I know that he only went to sleep three hours ago (5 am), and that I can call him at 10 to wake him up, but I want to call him now because this week isn't starting out right, I don't feel well and I'm tired and don't have much strength left, and I know that if I talk to him I'll be able to feel a little better.
Last week was so good, really good. And the week before.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Again, slipped through me for four days and drew away like a curtain shading away the sun.
His face glazed across the surface of my existence, is gone again,
For another too-many days.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

When I think of the night we came to our apartment together after the wedding, the first night of living together in this sweet apartment which had been piling up our Things and clothes for weeks waiting for our joint arrival, I feel that now (almost 6 months later) I'm even more excited than back then everytime I near you.
It was crazy exciting back then (almost 6 months ago), getting here after such a fun, emotional and meaningful night (the Wedding), being able to melt in your arms and know that it's forever, that your face in the mirror of my mind is mine and is perfect for me, and being able to go to sleep with the love of my life wrapping me in his warm being FoReVeR.
But now, now it's even More.
I feel that it's even more exciting and close and intimate when I'm close to you now, this love is so insanely Divine and Sacred.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

עברו יותר מחמישה ימים מאז תחילת מרתון השמחה שלי, מאז שגילעד עזב לצבא במוצ"ש שעבר, כשהסעתי אותו, כשחזרתי הביתה, כשבשבת דיברנו בכזאת קירבה שכמעט נטרפתי על דעתי, והחלטתי להיות חזקה ל12 ימים.
הוא חוזר בעוד שבוע, ובינתיים אני מחכה, ומתגעגעת, לצד השמחה שאני משתדלת להתעטף בה. זתומרת, לא להיות בהיי כל הזמן, אבל להיות במצב מאוזן ומסופק. כלומר, פשוט לא להיות עצובה, לא ליפול לזה, כי זה המקום הזה קל ואולי המקום הכי אמיתי אבל אני רוצה רק לנסות לימים האלה, להיות שמחה, לקום כל יום על רגל ימין.
אז עברו חמישה ימים והם עברו בטוב. אני מקווה שאני אוכל להחזיק עד יום חמישי כי אני מתחילה להתגעגע בטירוף וזה פוגע ביכולת שלי להיות שמחה ומרוצה עם המצב הנתון.
הגעתי הביתה לפני כמה דקות וכל כל כל כך רציתי שתהיה פה, שניכנס ביחד למיטה, שאני אהיה הכי קרובה לבחור שהוא שלי ורק שלי, שהוא שומר עליי ואוהב אותי, וכל יישותו פונה כלפיי.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

אני לא מבינה את ההגיון של האנשים שמשלמים למנקה לנקות את הבית שלהם. כל פעם שאני חושבת על זה זה נראה לי יותר אבסורד. בתור מישהי שאף פעם לא היתה לה מנקה בבית, ורואה את זה מהצד כחלק מהתרבות המערבית, כל העניין נראה לי תמוה. אנשים קונים לעצמם בית שהם אפילו לא יכולים בעצמם לנקות? למה להעביד מישהו אחר בשטח הקנוי שלך? אם אתה צריך בית כל כך גדול אז תנקה אותו! פשוט מוזר קצת. אני מבינה עם אנשים מבוגרים שפיזית לא יכולים, אבל גם אנשים צעירים עושים את זה! המממ

Monday, February 07, 2011

אני כל כך אוהבת אותך
ומתגעגעת אליך
This is the perfect time to be sitting in our apartment reading old letters I wrote to you, back in the day
#When I was in mechina
#When I was overwhelmingly happy, digested by Nature
#And overwhelmingly in love (I am still)
#When you were learning about me, when I told you new things about me
#I was new and interesting
#You were perfect to me (you still are)
Now i'm reading these letters and they were so wonderful, so beautiful.
I'm different, a little.
I wrote just as well back then (maybe even better), but I was probably happier, like you said.
Times now when I sit and you tell me truths that are sad about me, and I feel distanced but so, so frekishly close. That for a moment I feel like crying and the next I want to get so, so close, to be one being with you, so in love, so fucking LOVING.
Now there are sometimes gray moments of myself, aside the pink ones with you.
The image of you is slightly different now, but still in my brain I associate you with the Once Gilad, who is actually the same, and just as amazing, but a little different.
But the thing is, I can't explain exactly what the image is.
I'll just leave it in my brain, for now.
Okay, how about I hit a marathon and I'm happy until next time you come home (12 days)?
I need to be happy now for 12 days straight.
Saturday night seemed a hard battle, but I made it.
Sunday as well.
Monday, too (today).
I'm doing well, I think I'll make it.
on Saturday night when I drove back from driving Gil, I sang
משנכנס אדר מרבים בשמחה
the whole ride, loudly, happily.
It was so great to realize on Shabbat that actually these 12 days are starting together with Adar which is meaningful. Even more of an obligation to be happy.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

I sing over and over "mishenichnas adar marbin besimcha" as i drive and drive through the roads and traffic lights and keep singing loudly to be happy