https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=EtZXOdpU1j8 I think of the "suffering artist" in despair. I am in despair. Not as an artist right now. This video made me cry. It HURTS me, it's so terribly sad and horrifying to watch that man wring out that live chicken's neck or step on it's head. Or more common phenomena- chickens being thrown into tight coops by non-compassionate, violent "people". A cow after being "schechted"- It's throat is halfway slit but it is still alive, tormentedly flailing and crying before it dies. Schechting-- That is NOT humane. Nothing about this can BE humane. How can I describe the turbulance this causes, the crisis this is. The evil that must stop. The people that need to start caring. This is not to be slipped away unnoticed! How can anyone be indifferent toward this? I simply cannot comprehend. How can I share my despair, at knowing this exists every day every day every DAY. Not only cows Not only pigs Not only chickens Now only turkeys Not only fish. Not only, but ALL suffering every day for nothing to be a yummy satisfying meal for a human. That's IT It's not legitimate. How can I pass on this feeling of hurt, of sorrow? I cannot accept this reality. I cannot accept this cruelty in my life, among living beings. I cannot watch it, I cannot watch suffering beings. I cannot let it be, but I cannot do anything. I don't eat any animal products. It's almost a year now. What more can I do? Everyone else still does...
ל"אוסף" שהיינו צריכים להביא ולהציג היום הבאתי (חלק מ)אוסף
האלבומים של הקיצים שלי בפלורידה. יש לי המון רגש בדבר הזה, בתיאור של הזכרונות
האלה, של המשמעות של הזכרונות, של העילאיות שלהם והעולם היפה שהם היו. באמת תיארתי
את הגעגועים שלי לשם, למקום שאני כל כך אוהבת בו את ה-כ-ל. את עצמי שם ואת מה ששם.
את הריחות ואת האנשים שבין הריחות. את החללים והקירות והצבעים והרגשות.
וכמה שעות אחרי השיעור ישבנו כולנו עם איילת, ראש המחלקה שלנו
(צילום), ושתינו תה סיני שהיה קבור באדמה 5 שנים שניקי הביא, שהוא הזמין בebay מסין והוא סיפר לנו סיפורים על הטקסים ועל התה. וכשטעמתי את התה, בהתחלה
ידעתי שזה מזכיר לי משהו אבל לא ידעתי מה. בסוף זה גם הזכיר לי את ריח המקטרת של
סבא שלי (הסבא השני, בשיקגו), אבל לפני זה- זה הזכיר לי – מה אחרת אם לא – את פלורידה.
My dreams are so strange. Since I was watching the video I made last night over and over again to perfect it, that's what I dreamt. I dreamt I was changing something in it and Changing again and Changing again And with each alteration I woke up a little I didn't sleep well. Usually when my dreams are repetitive, which they are a lot- like a broken record over and over and Over and Over again it makes me kind of nauseous in my sleep and I half wake up all the time And that's really annoying. And sometimes I dream of someone else, not Gilad. Or sometimes I'm confused, and don't remember if it's Gilad that I'm with or someone else. And those someone elses are usually people from my past that I loved. And that's something I want to discover. It seems to me that I still do not fully BELIEVE that I am truly with Gilad. It seems to me that the reason to that is his being different from the image of Humans I connected with all my life- Meaning- Americans. He is Israeli and I think my subcocncious still feeds off American boys with certain American-like personalitites and my subconcious has not yet registered that my love is Gilad. It's interesting. I think my subconcious self, which is of course rich with emotions far deeper than the ones I feel when I'm awake, still "fits" myself into the scheme of a relationship with an American. I really want to further explore this issue.
Babies are really cute. I babysit two twin 5-month-old babies of friends of ours every Friday. The first time I went over there a few weeks ago I barely remembered what a baby's face looks like from close when you're holding him\her. By the time I left, I already missed them. I miss holding them, looking at their happy eyes, their tiny fingers, their cute cheeks, their adorable smiles. But I do not want any babies of my own. Is that strange, or what? It's not so strange to me. I get why I don't want any and why I may NEVER want any, I get it on some level and the rest of the levels are subconcious and hidden but still understood. But I truly want to want, like everyone else.
Nicki, who studies with me, is one of the loveliest and smartest people in school, if not THE. He's 26, an immigrant from Russia, and married for seven years now. I asked him why he got married so young and he said marrying instead of being with lots of girls is what he believes the right way to live. And we went on talking, and I asked how long he'd known his wife before they decided to get married and he said Three Months. And I said "What? That's a really short amount of time." I don't think that's too short an amount of time but the socially-acceptable-influence in me blurted out that surprised comment and he said: "Three months is 90 days and is hundreds of hours. That's a long time to get to know someone." I was so excited to hear this opinion of his because I AGREE. When I saw Gilad I loved him. I told him that only 6 months later but I loved him all along just the same. He didn't love me yet but I did and I eagerly hoped he'd love me and want me, too. People may not believe me, but this is the case: I fell in love when I first saw him. I saw him, I saw him walk, I heard him speak. And that's it. Six months later I confessed my strong love and he was surprised because "you hardly know me!" I know you! I know I love you. We started going out shortly after, and Gilad was still not decisive. Three months later, in January, in his room in the winter on Friday night in the dark We said- How will we wait three years (until Gilad's release from the army) until we get married??? (In reality we waited only 2 years) We've been married now for over two years and I'm so happy being married to the most amazingest sweetest person for me. And I just want to say, three months, or two months, or one month, or even a few hours, is not too little.