Monday, December 03, 2012

My dreams are so strange.
Since I was watching the video I made last night over and over again to perfect it, that's what I dreamt. I dreamt I was changing something in it and 
Changing again and 
Changing again
And with each alteration I woke up a little
I didn't sleep well.
Usually when my dreams are repetitive, which they are a lot- like a broken record over and over and 
Over and
Over again

it makes me kind of nauseous in my sleep and I half wake up all the time
And that's really annoying.

And sometimes I dream of someone else, not Gilad.
Or sometimes I'm confused, and don't remember if it's Gilad that I'm with or someone else.
And those someone elses are usually people from my past that I loved.

And that's something I want to discover.
It seems to me that I still do not fully BELIEVE that I am truly with Gilad.
It seems to me that the reason to that is his being different from the image of Humans I connected with all my life-
Meaning-
Americans.
He is Israeli and I think my subcocncious still feeds off American boys with certain American-like personalitites and my subconcious has not yet registered that my love is Gilad.
It's interesting.
I think my subconcious self, which is of course rich with emotions far deeper than the ones I feel when I'm awake, still "fits" myself into the scheme of a relationship with an American. 

I really want to further explore this issue.

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