Thursday, February 14, 2013

February 14th:

Valentine's Day

I was going food shopping with the cart up the midrechov to the supermarket this evening and I passed red roses floating upside down in the closed palms of men, I saw couples in restaurant windows, I saw red balloons tied outside those restaurants, I saw the normal Thursday-night bussiness and I thought, maybe it's funny. To have a Valentine's Day. Why not be in love every day?
I would love to be able to say we are that kind of couple. The loving kind. The kind you can say about, "it doesn't matter how much money they have or don't have, they have love." A couple held up by their love, through ups and downs, though hard and rough times they stick together and their love is the strongest force they have.
For me, that is clearly what I aspire to.
But Gilad is not celebrating Valentine's Day every day.
His interest in me is deflating.
He doesn't surprise me with nice things or go out of his way to do nice gestures (my birthday was definitely an exception. My birthday was wonderful). He never was the surprising-gesturing type, although I wish he would be sometimes. I fantasize coming home one day, just ONE DAY, and having him surprise me with a nice dinner. He keeps telling me to stop hoping for these things because I will just be disappointed. I love doing nice things for him, cooking for him almost every day, for instance. He doesn't cook, refuses to try, and is usually very stubborn about this.
And lately, he became even colder.
A few weeks ago he asked me where I see us years from now, if I see us staying together.
My view on this has not changed since I met him. As far as I'm concerned, I'm with him for the whole of my life. Why not? I love him so dearly, I canot see why live without him. I am in love with him, have been since the first day I met him five years ago. This love, for me, is strong and certain. Over the years we have become closer, how can I not love someone I love and built a love with?
Gilad's answer to his pondering is different.
He wonders if really we will stay together, because inside of him he does not want this obligation. He wants to be free. Occasionally, he REALLY wants to be free and thinks of leaving me. Going where? I don't know. But he wants to go. He doesn't want to be married.
He says he was different two-and-a-half years ago when we got married. He says he was young and didn't really think that far- didn't really know that he wouldn't want to be tied down.
I don't see why he doesn't want to live with me for always and forever. I don't understand. We are the best and closest of friends, we love each other, we really do. Or, I think he loves me. Lately I've been saying those words much more that he has. He just nods and says okay when I tell him
I LOVE YOU.

It kind of scares me. I feel like he might walk out the door any day. He says nothing is certain, he can't promise anything. He admits that most of the time he enjoys his life with me. But he doesn't know what will be tomorrow.

I do know. I do know that I will still love him tomorrow. But he doesn't know. He just doesn't know. And the most unreasonable thing is that he doesn't understand why that bothers me so much, why it makes me so sad to not have that certainty. He says I need to stop being so dependent.

What is most scary is that once he makes up his mind to leave me, it won't matter what army of people I have to stand in front of him and try to convince him to come back, his mother, his brothers, his friends. It won't matter. He will go.

This Shabbat lunch we're having a friend over and she's bringing a friend of hers who is our age and just got divorced. I told Gilad, Don't get ideas, jokingly, and he said- Well, I don't really remember what he said. But the impression I got was that he doesn't need her to convince him that he wants to be free. I didn't know if to leave, or stay, wait for him to say, Just kidding, I'm staying with you forever, but I knew he wouldn't say that, so I left with a heavy heart, the same heavy heart I've been carrying around these past few weeks.

Now he's coming home and he's actually in a better mood than he was today and yesterday and the day before. Maybe he will say he loves me.

As I was walking past those red roses, I was wondering, How many of these couples will last into the future?
And in general, out of all of the couples that exist today on this Valentine's day, what percentage will still be together next year? 

STAY
PLEASE STAY PLEASE
STAY PLEASE
STAY!


Someone's secret from Postsecret this week:

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