Thursday, February 21, 2013

Gilad said he is apathetic because he really is not connected to this life and wants to go. He's always thinking about it. He feels like he doesn't want a בת זוג (partner?) right now. He really feels like the apathy is his real emotion and not faking and trying to be all sympathetic.
Gilad does not see how he will continue in this mutual life. He wants to be free.
I understand him. We are very young.
We didn't need to get married, but we did.
(We just wanted to live together but were so soaked in religious people that we couldn't live together without getting married)
I was lucky, for me it was good. I still want to be with him forever just like I did back then.
But Gilad I guess was the unlucky one, who got married too young and now wants to find himself again, wants to find his life and his way. I understand that.
It's not that he doesn't love me. He does. That's actually why he hasn't gone yet.
But he feels like the love is just something we got used to, and that we can definitely go and find new love, if we'll want to.
I'll be broken, so terribly horribly broken, if he goes.
I won't lie, thinking of options of a different life can be intriguing, but not enough to really want to do that step. I want to stay with Gilad.
I imagine what will be after. I'm beginning to start to think of the idea and not be so shocked from it.
I think maybe I would go back to the people I once loved.
I laughed and told Gilad, I can't go back to Nati. He's a cohen (divorced women cannot marry cohanim under the rabbanut. I don't mind not getting married or not getting married under the rabbanut but Nati is religious, I think).
But that thought almost nauseates me, because I just want GILAD. The first image I imagined is walking into my parents' home, for Shabbat let's say. And imagining someone else there with me, it's just surreal and sad, because it's not Gilad.
I have a problem. I engrave people too deeply into my soul. I still think of Nati, who I was with for a year and a half 6 years ago, so I think, if I were to leave Gilad, קל וחומר he will never ever ever leave my blood and my mind and my body and my soul.
He IS.
He claims I can love anyone.
I don't know.
Maybe he's right but I don't want to try.
Gilad really cannot see this continuing. Where does that leave us?
In a question mark, with a heavy heart.

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