Friday, June 07, 2013


I hate the fact that the battery in my cell phone lasts for such a short amount of time. There are other things I don't like about smartphones, but usually it's the battery dying toward the evening (after being charged the whole night before) that annoys me. Last night the phone was dead and I needed to call Gilad. I was at a bus stop, and I HATE doing this because I feel like a begger, but I decided to anyway: Ask someone if I can make a call on their phone. There were two guys sitting on the benches at the stop and I saw a girl probably about my age who looked amiable and I went over to her and asked, "excuse me, can I make a call from your phone?"
She looked up, smiled at me and said, "no."
I sat down on the bench and cried for some reason, because of her response. A few minutes later some Spanish girls sat down next to me and one of them asked "are you okay? Do you need anything?" And then I cried even more because I was overwhelmed by opinions about people: There are people who say no to a nice, innocent girl who asks to make a call, and there are also people who offer help. And those people who offer help make the world a better place. And that knowledge excited me and saddened me at the same time.

Earlier that night a friend informed us that a guy from the year below us in mechina died on Wednesday from a heart attack (or cardiac arrest? Something sudden, in any case) and that made me sad and thinking about the weirdness of death.

Last night I had a weird dream about my grandmother. She had died but the scene had started over and she was going to be dying again, at the same spot in time, and my grandfather whispered to me exactly when it would be. There were lots of people there and when she fell she was like a small child fainting in my arms and I screamed, "She's dead!" or "Call an ambulence," I don't remember.
But a few moments later she popped back up, alive, like a jack-in-the-box and aparently didn't die, or woke up from the dead, but then she was weird and did stuff like knocking her head on the floor.

I had another nightmare, a horrible one, before this one. In the dream Gilad and I lived in a two-part apartment. Meaning it was actually two very tiny living areas, and I prefered one and Gilad the other.
In the dream Gilad decided all of a sudden to give up the part that I liked and stay, himslef, in the other, smaller one, and get rid of me because in that instant he no longer wanted me. he just sat there alone in the room on his computer and no longer felt anything toward me and didn't smile, just wanted to be eternally alone. Then I rememebr I was with friends and I was bawling that it's not just seperating, it's getting a divorce, and one friend said "go to the rabbanut here in Beit Shemesh," and I cried even more because I didn't want anyone else other than Gilad. In the dream I felt it so strongly, the tradegy of being forgotten in one instant and being left without the ability to continue loving back. In the dream there was a weird guy who kept coming aftre me and wanted me to be with him but he creeped me out and I didn't want to, I wanted Gilad, and now I remember there was a house with a window which was actually the whole room and it was hard to get inside, and he used to come there, and now I rememebr another part, and it's that we lived in Ein Karen and someone came to shoot us, and that was even before the whole part of Gilad getting rid of me.

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