Friday, December 20, 2013


I started writing in a diary in 1997 (age 7), and kept on writing in diaries all the way to 2010.
I just opened up a sealed letter from 2004 in one of my diaries marked "open in January 2013" (I missed the date, but that's okay).
It was an "American Girl" fill-out letter to my future self, and one message to myself was that I hope by the time I open the letter, I will have "published an academy-award winning novel" (that's what I wrote).
Back in 2004 I was writing a novel. In my today's judgement, it wasn't that amazing, but for a 14-year-old is was pretty awesome. I think I was up to page 150 or so when I stopped. I got really far into it. I wanted to finish and publish it, and Malky loved it and thought of the name "Web Spinner" for it. 
It was legendary.
I have written constantly since then, but my words were never published. I've written short stories, beginnings of long stories, poems, ideas.
And here I am in 2014, with no published book in hand.
Ten years ago those ten years seemed like enough time to do something awesome like that. They were enough time. 
But I've done diddley-squat in these long full ten years.
What a disappointment.
Disappointment in myself and in the system.
School (without a doubt) did not strengthen or even support my creativity.
In high school there was no room for true self expression.
Such a shame. Here I am at (almost) 24- with nothin'.
I'm an artist with no art,
A writer with no book.
Just the thoughts in my head.

1 comment:

taltalz said...

I don't think you have nothing. You've done a lot in those ten years. And you might have matured enough and learned enough and figured your thoughts out enough by now to write something better than what you wrote then...
I also still dream of publishing a novel. And I also just can't seem to find the time.., but one day...
One day I'm gonna partiicipate in a nanowrimo, or just write out a first draft for myself, for fun. And once I have the first draft I'll go back and edit it, and perfect it, and market it out and pray that it's actually good enough to get published :)