Monday, December 23, 2013

Loss

I don't know what to do with how I feel.
In a few billion years the sun will implode and we will all be forgotten. 
Nava Hoyland died today and I am really sad.
She was alive, and now she's not.
Her young pumping heart is now static, and soon underground.
Not in the arms of her love, not pumping through this world with a big smile, not thinking, or deciding, or wanting or waiting or loving. 

Gilad does not love me all the time and does not want to be married to me.
I don't want him to leave me because I love him and because we had the most beautiful wedding and we have people's trust, and because my grandmother got to know him before she died and because I love his family and don't want to say goodbye to them, and because I want my children to look like Gilad and because I'm scared (terrified) of change and feel so fundamentally connected in heart to Gilad. 

I'm stressed out and need to stay up all night to start (and finish) a project that's due tomorrow. But I just can't. My stomach hurts. My heart is not settled.
I don't know what to do with how I feel right now.
I keep remembering,
Nava died.
(Does that even make sense?)

I was not one of her close friends, but I see (saw) her and her husband often in the neighborhood and in shul in Beit Shemesh, and said hi.
Her body has died.
Our bodies are so fragile and die so easily. Nava is 23, married for eight months to her love Tal Rozenbaum. They are (were) in love. Tal's loss is immense and I don't know how he will keep going.
She has left this world. She left behind her loving husband and her loving family.
Her grieving husband and her grieving family.
And when the sun will implode nothing will matter.
But right now, I'm sad.
I don't want Gilad to leave me, but I think he will.



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