Friday, January 16, 2015

Why not have all the men I love in bed with me together to hug me to sleep?

שמואל. I suddenly feel so alone. I have trouble falling asleep at night. I feel so awful in my heart every time you fall asleep right away when we sleep together. Aside from the frustration I've already mentioned here about me wanting to talk more and more and more, with enthusiasm that just grows as the nights creeps on us, I feel so alone when you fall alseep so quickly and I stay up with my thoughts and my brain being lonely and not letting me rest. I hate not being able to fall asleep quickly. How do you do it? I wish I could fall asleep before you.

I miss Gilad terribly. But I don't actually miss him.
I feel so lonely and want to hold on to dear memories
But I don't want to be with Gilad.
But oh god, I so totally DO.

This is tough. Who do I love? Why not love everyone? Why not have all the men I love in bed with me together to hug me to sleep?
Can I mention all the men I love? Howcome I can't? Howcome I have to love only one each time?

In a sense, my words are an independent world and I can write anything. But on the other hand, my world consists of other people who read and feel accordingly.

And I want to write that שמואל is so wonderful and caring, and I don't take that for granted and I appreciate it immensely.
And I know we have many common aspirations and ideas for the future, and in my "adult" mainstream conventional self I know I will be with one man in the end.
But in my crazy unsolved lunatic self, I want to be with everyone.
And maybe I will be.

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