I let myself soak in sadness, but not for too long. It's been about two hours and now I will write about it and take the dogs out for a walk.
I tried to work on my art and wasn't able to. For some reason that pulled over me the cloud of apathetic, tired sadness. It's the kind of sadness that holds me in place, taking from me any desire to do anything whatsoever.
a) I feel like I am always away from home. For some reason I feel the need to spend more time in my own apartment, even though I like it less that Shmuel's. Maybe because Nemo likes being there, maybe because I like having my own space, maybe because I feel like if I'm already renting a place I might as well take advantage of the opportunity to live there. Maybe it's because of something else entirely that I've not yet understood. If my apartment was Shmuel's apartment, too (meaning- if we lived together) that would be fine. It's not that I want to be on my own, it's just that I want to be in MY apartment, in MY room, where I know Nemo has her own spot she likes and I have my own corner I like.
b) The hardship and the weight of the separation eight months ago is now starting to dawn on me. I'm not quite aware of the mental process my brain has been going through, but somehow at this point in time it's getting harder and harder for me when I see Gilad. I'm starting to miss him and feel like, "okay, I'm ready to go home now."
That's pretty awful.
I love Shmuel so much but I guess at some point this difficulty had to come... So here it is.
c) I'm not able to do any of the art I imagine. Maybe that's because I don't have a clear enough vision in my head of what I want or maybe because I don't have the proper physical space to work in. I reckon it's both of those reasons. I need a spacious, sunlit room to spread out all my materials and start working. I can't work on my bed, on my room floor or in the apartment's living room. They're too small or too ugly to let my mind and creativity be free. When I realize I haven't really advanced in my project (at least not in the physical material world) I feel really disappointed, as if I'm just wasting a ton of time. I am.