Monday, August 24, 2015

Instincts of Love

I'm flying in less than three days. I have to be strong and get my act together. I've got lots to do before I fly, and I need to stop worrying about this aloneness. I brought it upon myself, now I need to face reality bravely as it hits me and rids of all the lovely things I knew I'd do with you.
After all, I did write "I think that my fear of being alone is a very good reason to go for it." So here it is for me, my fear of being alone, waiting for me at the door, waiting for me to embrace it and cry.
I was too afraid. Sumsum did it for me.
I hurt him, I really did.
I was awful.
I need to fix myself
And be the amazing person I know I can be.

I've had my share of breakups and tears.
Buckets full of tears

Now I need to seize the moment, stop being afraid, go on my trip and have an amazing time.

I believe that if my relationship with Sumsum is right, it'll happen anyway, after I come back.



Saturday, August 22, 2015

Monday, August 17, 2015

Sometimes I hate the fact that I write on a blog. I hate that I have the time and privilege to pretend my feelings are so important and dramatic.

Sometimes my emotions are so overwhelming and disastrous that I can't even write them; I can only cry but crying eases pain too slowly.

I try to find consolation for my frustration. I try to believe it's not so bad, and that I MUST forgive myself for all this craziness.

I feel so bad, I feel so confused, so crazy.
And the worst part is that I involve others, sometimes people I'd rather not see me so vulnerable and needy, like a travel agent or a parent.

I try to call friends, they say kind and helpful words, but then I hang up and am still drowning in the same pit.

Sometimes I recognize this feeling, and since I've felt it before, I know it will pass.

But when?

I'm flying in a week.

Nothing will ease by then.

This year has been wrong in many ways.

Troubles don't ease as easily as they could.

Pain stays too long, never really ceases

Nothing fades,

Everything is hard.















My trip went back to being 105 days.
I feel awful in every direction.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

My trip is now 80 days long instead of 105.
How do I feel about that?

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Going

http://miriamusa2015.blogspot.co.il/

I opened a blog for my upcoming trip to America
But then decided that I don't want it.
I'm not gonna write in it.
I'm not traveling to make an interesting story

I'm traveling for myself 
I'm traveling to find out
To answer questions
I'm going to travel
Without the whole world knowing what I'm up to.
I'll be anonymous, reflective and contemplative for three and a half months.

And I'll miss Shmuel
And Nemo
You can be sure of those two things.
Other than that, I'll be out there somewhere in the universe, above land, below sky, somewhere.
Alive.


Saturday, August 08, 2015

This is the song my blog is named after (just FYI):

Friday, August 07, 2015






Mother cow cried all night for her baby 

Baby
I sometimes wish that I was pregnant
But I have the privilege of keeping mine




Sunday, August 02, 2015

The Pride Parade took place this week in Jerusalem and a murderer stabbed six people. One of them, Shira Banki, 16, died today from her wounds.