Saturday, April 09, 2016
It's frustrating that in our world, where unintentional pretense and confusion exist innately in us, there is no easy way to express or externalize a sincere solidity of right decisions when they do happen (and that there is always a need in me to do so). In the circles broader and outer than those of closest friends and my lover, there is no obvious way to differentiate between real and unreal.
What differs, externally, between my two past relationships? The trueness of one over the other cannot be portrayed to others through regular behavior and fluid conversations, but rather only through specific and direct words, such as these:
Tal is wonderful and kind in every way that I need, in every way that I like, in every way that I cannot imagine but sweetly surprises me. And I take none of it for granted.
Can these words be believed?
If they cannot, what can?
I have not written things like these in quite a while, and I feel that sweetness has taken shore upon me, that love and happiness are flowing between our small beings, that goodness is evolving every day.
Between us, it can be known easily. It is unlike those silent battles against the larger world to express realness. Between us, all this goodness is known and thanked for, it is said and shared, it is sweetened from our vocal chords out into the small space between our lips and our lover's ear.
Between us it is so real that words often fail us and we are left to only
In the warm and safe, yet mortal, arms of one another.
But this time (unlike the others, but as a result of them), I must admit, I am a little scared of declaring a lifetime of it. I am hesitant about claiming it is forever, as forever changes, and we may change, too.
I am even scared of thinking about it. I am scared thinking about the fact that permanence is only valid while it is.
I am scared of having children. I am scared of myself with children.
I want to keep talking about them
But to not have them yet