Wednesday, June 01, 2016

Anxiety (or: Part 4)

I never knew how to explain or diagnose the anxiety or fear [ + radical emotionalism] I suffered. One of its peaks was during the army. I didn't even call it anxiety yet, I didn't know what to call it. I didn't know how to explain why I was so overwhelmed and sad and crying all the time like a lost child for almost two years (that's what I was; that's how I felt. So helpless! Walking around feeling afraid!), while other people had to do those occasional week-long guarding jobs and weekends on base instead of me because I just couldn't.

Only after I left I called it anxiety and wanted to write letters to my commanders explaining this, to soften the image I thought they must have had of me of someone weak or even spoiled who couldn't deal with anything and got to be exempted from annoying tasks. At least saying you have something specific sounds more serious. I didn't write the letters, and it became not important after a while.

I sometimes feel fearful and very anxious.
And once in a long while it escalates to a state of mental suffering and helplessness.
It happens when I'm unable to get to a "safe place" or when I have to face authority.

I think there is a combination of different anxieties in me.
And there is something a little bipolar about me, too.

Sometimes I get so sad, just sad, from all the anxiety and stress of being, that I cry and cry and cry and say awful things like that I don't know why I'm even alive.

And then I get to my safe zone, like home. And I do something familiar, like taking a shower, and it's as if these waters of safety and assurance just wash away the anxiety, and I come out feeling totally different, not even able to understand how I'd felt so horrible beforehand.

It's strange.

After the horrible anxiety, my mind inevitably calms down again. It gets to its worst point, and then declines. When the anxiety happens, I just have to learn to be patient and live it out, wait the long hours until it passes, until I calm down again. It always happens, it always ends. I'm always happy again eventually.


Sometimes I just need to tell my dearest beloved life partner, "when this happens, just help me pass the hours until it goes away."

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