Thursday, September 15, 2016

How Strange



September / אלול

How strange that a person can live so many lives in one lifetime.

And how strange how every present moment of the past is only a memory, and nothing more.

My body was in so many places

My body experienced pain and fear and helplessness and terror,

and shame and bitterness and joy and longing,

and yet now my body is only here, and knows only this.

How strange that at night I find peace in the warmth of Tal, but six years ago I was present at my own beautiful and ethereal wedding with someone else.

And how strange that we live on a moshav, where I breathe in colorful streams of sky and earth,
but two years ago I took a bus with my then-husband (and good friend until today) from our home in Jerusalem to the Rabbinate, in another neighborhood, to pay for our divorce.

How strange that Tal's voice is like dew in the early morning, but
fifteen years ago I felt so vulnerable.

I was so scared once. But how strange: I didn't even acknowledge it, and neither did anyone else.

And how strange that lots of fear became lots of anger, and yet I became loving instead of hateful.

How strange that one year ago I was in a place where I was both free and imprisoned, and neither free nor imprisoned, in another country, and now I'm here, dreaming of those same far places, but with someone I feel whole with.

And how strange that we want to travel around the world, but I can still
Feel
The knowledge of where I'll live, and it didn't include that.

How strange that I contemplate the new year, but every new year is another new year, and then I look in the mirror and try to figure out how 26 years have passed and how they are inscribed in my face and what I remember of all the moments-that-were-once-the-present.

And one thing hasn't changed:

Sometimes I feel so much inspiration in my tiny little heart (which has the capacity of containing the entire universe), that my heart wants to crack and cry and my stomach churns like butter.




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