Saturday, January 30, 2016

החופש להיות מאושרת הוא האוצר



לפני כמה שבועות כתבתי בבלוג "כדי להיות כנה עם עצמי, אני מוכנה להפסיד הרבה גם בלי למצוא אוצרות"
אבל מה שלא הבנתי אז הוא שהכנות הזאת והחיפוש הזה אחר אושר אמיתי מביא אוצרות. ברור שהוא מביא!
החופש להיות מאושרת הוא האוצר.

ויש גם עוד אחד (שמצא אותי, ולא אני אותו) אבל עוד לא אספר עליו.










Friday, January 29, 2016





The amazing and wonderful
 and miraculous thing
 about my emotions
 being so gargantuan
 is that when I'm happy,
 I'm ecstatic
 And when I'm excited,
 my heart is like a wild bird
flapping it's eager wings 
above the world



My heart is so wide.
I know it is because it fills up with so much.
So much inspiration.









Love is a true thing when it comes in full form




Thursday, January 28, 2016




I haven't been this happy in a long time
***



(Renegade
noun
1. a person who deserts a party or cause for another.
2. an apostate from a religious faith.)


Monday, January 25, 2016

Dried leaves and a full heart

I feel serene.
Do you know what that means to me? It means so much!
When I read the book "Wild" before my PCT trek I couldn't finish it. It made me sad because it reminded me of the things I knew weren't right in my life but which I was too scared to change. Reading about Sheryl Strayed (who I admire and who was my inspiration to hike the PCT), doing what she needed to do, mirrored to me my own disloyalty to myself.
I'm glad that now I feel loyal and true again, happy that I've made the decision I did, even though it may have been the hardest thing I've ever done.
It makes me feel free.
I can now finish the book with a full heart, knowing that I, too, did it.


(Things I collected along the trail)




I have found 
Peace of mind




ט"ו בשבט

ט"ו בשבט

יש אנשים שבשבילם ט"ו בשבט הוא יום לחשוב על הטבע ועל הסביבה. בשבילי כל יום הוא יום כזה. אני רואה שמירה על הסביבה כחלק ממבט הוליסטי ושלם על החיים. מבט שמבטא רצון להיות קרובה לאמת הפשוטה של הטבע; רצון לתת לטבע לנהל את עצמו כסדרו ולהשלים מעצמו מעגלי חיים שלמים; לא להיות בעצמי כוח הזורע הרס ונתק, אלא כוח שמאפשר ומעודד חיים ובריאה.


Sunday, January 17, 2016

תפילה



אלוהי המים והשמים, התשוקה והכאב, כל החי והצומח,
תנו לי את התושייה להיות ענווה
לא להרגיש שהחיפוש שלי
הוא שגב עולם המילים והרגש,
לא לחשוב את עצמי
לבריאה עליונה וצודקת.
להרגיש את האמת בכולם
בכל בשר ודם
בכל אבן ועשב.
לדעת
שלא רק אני
קיימת
בעולמי.
להקשיב תמיד למילותיהם ורגשותיהם הכנים של אחרים.
להיות חזקה מספיק לעמוד מול כל אחד ואחת
ולא לברוח
משום דבר
שביקום.



Thursday, January 14, 2016

I call these two photos "If you're lonely then everyone is"

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

World




World / me

A splendid world has birthed us
And holds us in its arms,
And rocks us through its trees and lakes
And shows us love unarmed.


It gives us life with cows and cats
And dogs and fish and geese,
But instead of loving these dear ones
We cook them for our feast.


(We pay people to take their lives,
We take and don’t give back,
And think that we deserve it
As the leaders of the pack.)


It shows us how to breath and love
The air we should be saving,
But we just go and dirty it
With shit we are creating.


We should be taking better care
Of all the things we hold,
But we choose to ignore that, hurting
All that we behold.


We throw away much more than what
We actually do need,
We don’t much know who made our things
But we still buy, indeed!


Now let’s just take a moment here
And see what can be done
To help resolve this carnage
Let’s try to be the ones!


The ones to be more caring
More knowing, more aligned
With all that nature’s singing.
Let’s be more aware and kind!




(poem and drawing by me)

Sunday, January 10, 2016


Well, I have a lot of good things to write about and I'm pretty excited. I love feeling alive.
צילום ממצוקי דרגות בשבת האחרונה

Friday, January 08, 2016

The airport and the beach

When I landed in Israel, I was so excited.
I was so excited to be seeing my love right out of the airport!

I met a guy in Miami who was also going back to Israel. We talked in Miami and then we talked in Madrid, when we had a two hour layover. He's married and is moving to Miami (and claims he will vote for Donald Trump [!!!]). Turned out his seat was next to mine from Madrid to Israel. I told him about S, and about the breakups and the issues, and that he's picking me up from the airport.
"I can tell you're excited!" he exclaimed.
"Oh, yeah," I answered, with a tear of excitement welling up in my eye. As we landed I just stared out the window, smiling, at the land, at the place where S would be seeing me again.

I called S as soon as phones were permitted again upon landing.
I thought it would take me about 40 minutes to get out of there, but I got out really fast. S was stuck in traffic and I waited outside, counting down the minutes till he'd arrive.
I was so happy to be back home, I just gazed around at the people leaving the airport or arriving at the airport, suitcases, soldiers, people yelling. I was home and it felt good.
S pulled up in his car.
He got out, and it really is hard to define in words the wonder of seeing someone you love and haven't seen for so long, so I won't attempt to describe it (but if you know the feeling then you surely understand the magic). He came right over and gathered me up in a big long long long long hug that only S knows how to give.
And then a kiss
And a hug again.
And then he put my suitcase in the back, and we got in the car and drove to Beit Shemesh for an engagement party of a friend of mine.
After the party we drove back to Tel Aviv, to his apartment.

I was jetlagged. I woke up at 4 am and lay in bed for about another two hours. Then I finally decided to quietly wake up S and ask him for directions to the beach.

I felt a little bad waking him so early on a Friday morning but it didn't bother him. He was actually happy to get up and go with me! :)

We walked to the beach at 7 am. Every little thing about the morning seemed wondrous to me, and especially S in his new winter jacket.

I told him, "early mornings always remind me of times years ago, like in the מכינה, and I wonder how many times we'll need to wake up early and walk to the beach before early mornings will remind me of THIS."

It was the best time I ever had on a beach. We just sat there and looked out.
We were THERE.
All of my time in America I felt I was not really THERE.
But here in Israel, I'm HERE. I feel here.

This is a selfie we took that morning on the beach:


Thursday, January 07, 2016




It's Thursday night
Soon קיפוד will come home from work
I'll be sitting on his bed, on the computer
I'll get up and give him a biiiiig hug
And a kiss.
Oh wait, no. Not today.
From now on
We're alone
:(





האם אפשר לכתוב עצב במילים?


אולי ויתרתי על דבר גדול מדי. כך זה מרגיש לפעמים (בזוכרי זכרונות מסוימים), אבל לא יכולתי לדעת זאת מבפנים,
אדע זאת רק במרחק הזמן. המחפש אחר האמת נתקל לעתים בכאב ובהפסדים
ואפילו בהפסדים גדולים מאוד, ובגעגועים עמוקים מאוד,
אבל זה חלק מהתהליך שהחיפוש תובע. כדי להיות כנה עם עצמי, אני מוכנה להפסיד הרבה
גם בלי למצוא אוצרות.



קיפוד

ליבי שבור על שליבך שבור
מצרה וניברת מכל סדק (ולו הקטן ביותר) שסדקתי
בלב הגדול
שלך, קיפוד

ליבי עצב שליבך עצב
מצטנעת אל מול כובד הכריתה
שכרתתי 
מהנפש שלך,
קיפוד.

הכל התחיל ולא נגמר
משפט באמצע נעצר,
פנים שהתרחקו רק קמעה
אחרי נשימה
ידך על ידי
מילה שלך אל תוך גופי.

אני מייגנת ומנגנת
את המנגינה שהרסתי
את הצליל שלא כיוונתי
את החלקים הפנימיים
שאליהם עוד לא הגעתי.

אני מורידה את ראשי
המתנשא
בפניך
בפני הדעת והדעה
בפני הצדק והחורבה
בפני האהבה.

אני מנמיכה קומה

צועדת אחורה






(*מילון שלי: ניברת = נופלת לתוך בור
מייגנת = חווה יגון בצורה אקטיבית. כמו ניגון ומנגנת, כך יגון ומייגנת)








Wednesday, January 06, 2016

New Years Eve 2016

This News Years was the best ever.
S and I started the night at a "VeganNewYears party", which ended up being a party of ערסים. I was not dressed "accordingly" (all the women wore tight black dresses)- I was with jeans and my floral shirt Dena sewed for me last year. And the flashing colorful lights and the trans music were not my thing. 
We pretty soon left there and went to the בר קיימא, which is a vegan cooperative bar, and there the vibes were amazing. Having already drank some vodka and whiskey at the other party, as soon as I got there I was able to start dancing... And pretty much didn't stop until almost 2 am. Every hour on the hour the bar gave out a free shot for everyone, a drink from a country which was celebrating midnight at that hour. And then at the end of the night S bought me a (vegan) cheesecake, which I loved. Absolutely loved, and savored every bite, and savored every moment of that wonderful night with S.
When we left we walked to the bus stop to wait for a bus home and a couple walked by and offered me half a grapefruit, which I thought was really nice. (I ate it.)

Tuesday, January 05, 2016

But it's okay




My only remedy is my writing.
 By writing, and bringing my readers into my world,
 I turn my mourning into an epic poem.
And my sadness becomes universal, becomes beautiful.


The pain comes in waves



Monday, January 04, 2016

לב אחד שפורק


לב אחד שפורק.
שני חלקי לב עכשיו יש בעולם.



בכי מר


הסיבה שעשיתי את זה:
עשיתי את זה כי לא הרגשתי השראה, מימוש עצמי, התקדמות.
הרגשתי כבילות ותקיעות.
הרגשתי שמשהו חסר, שמשהו לא נכון. שזה לא "זה".



הערב טיילתי עם נמו. ישבתי על אבן. סימנתי לשמואל לשבת לידי. העיניים שלי היו נפוחות מכל הבכי. (שמואל לא פה). אמרתי "שמואל, בוא שב לידי."
וכל מי שחוותה אהבה בחיים יודעת שאין תחליף לגוף חם וגדול של בן זוג.
אין תחליף לכתף שאפשר להניח עליה את הראש.
אין תחליף לחיבוק של שמואל.
ועל זה כנראה אבכה כל חיי
בכי שלא בכיתי מעולם.
גם לא כשגילעד ואני נפרדנו.

*

מפה זה רק קדימה, אל הלבד.

הלוואי ולא הייתי צריכה לחוות כאלו געגועים עצובים וכואבים לאהוב כל כך טוב וכל כך אוהב




"There's a chance peace will come in this life..."

"There's a chance peace will come in this life..."

"There's a chance peace will come in this life..."

"There's a chance peace will come in this life..."

ואני עכשיו עשיתי ועושה את הדבר הכי קשה בחיים שלי.
יותר קשה מהפרידה מגילעד.
יותר קשה מכל דבר אחר.

אני שבורה.

Sunday, January 03, 2016


I'm going through my blog posts from 2006, and realizing that all that I have always wished for, been inspired by, leaned toward, waited for, aspired to, tried to get at, tried to uncover, has come only in parts, in fragments, and my life today is far less wonderful than what I would have wanted it to be.
How sad.
How strange.

Animal Liberation

This is a video I took about two years ago. It's from a protest in Eilat against the "Live Shipments" of baby cows and sheep that are shipped to Israel from Australia and other countries, but I think it sums up everything, the whole concept and reason for animal liberation.

Saturday, January 02, 2016

2016

I know what I want in 2016. I want to be left alone. I want no on to get mad at me for silly things. I want to be able to spend an hour every day staring out and breathing nature. I want to live in a small, clean apartment with big windows and with a cute kitchen to bake cakes in. I want to go on long bus and car rides. I want to go hiking alone. I want to read books. I want to walk around. I want to hug and kiss trees. I want my lover to visit me once in a while. But mostly I want to be alone. I want there to be quiet. I want silence.

I don't want to have to be brave or courageous or daring. I just want to BE, without faking, without fooling, without forcing, without pretending.

I want to say- no, not today, today I want to be alone.
I want to say- not this month, or not this year.
This year I want to be alone.
In 2016 I want to be alone most of the time.

Only alone I will find peace.
Only alone I will know what I want from someone else.
Only alone I will know what I want from myself
in order to seek the one single thing that I need:
Freedom.








(videos from about two years ago)