Sunday, February 25, 2018

Time, 2




How do different people perceive time?

Do some people fill their time with as much action as possible
So as not to waste one moment?
While others do nothing - 
so as not to waste one moment?

Do some ponder how to be in a constant state of presence
While others are in a constant state of future - 
And is there a difference between those two?
(And do some people not ponder one or the other - and if so, what do they ponder?)

Future is just a lengthened presence, after all. There is no future, essentially.
(That seems so sad to me, but becomes more and more apparent to me as I grow up.)

I personally catch myself choreographing and narrating most moments of my bodily configuration in the world, as they happen.

But moments of happiness, for me, are those moments in which I simply AM without too strict or tense of a choreography and narration - a moment of "AHA, THIS IS A MOMENT OF HAPPINESS."

It happens often - Oh, thank Goddess for that! I am so grateful for that!
And those moments of joy, or contentment, or pure presence, give me hope that not all of TIME will be noticed by me. That sometimes I will let it go without feeling the need to wonder about it.

I don't like wondering about it. Better to not know that soon everyone will die and that there's nothing to make our lives "larger" than what they are.

There is a lot of beauty in the world. If you take a moment to notice it.


And how do you perceive time?
What do you want to accomplish in life - and are you already doing it?
How often do you have moments that bring you sheer joy, and do you believe it is possible to increase the moments of joy?





























Thursday, February 22, 2018

Time

I kind of figured out that I need a lot of home-time throughout the week, a lot of time in my safe places, to resonate with my thoughts, to write, to read, to drink coffee, to stretch out (physically and emotionally), and that therefore I really do not soundly take upon myself full-time jobs. I work at part-time jobs because it allows me the freedom to get the home-time I need, hence to be free of anxiety involved in spending too many hours out of the house which has been a part of my life in the past. I am currently looking for more jobs just because I really do not have enough money to fly and visit my grandfathers in other states or let-alone to visit my family and friends overseas, but I am a little anxious about this endeavor, and hoping I can commit to only one month, just until I have enough money for those flights I need.

Only lately I've become exposed to the phenomenon of many people - artists and others - who work part-time for reasons similar to mine. I have never met anyone in the past who has posed this idea as a way they conduct their work schedule on purpose, and so I kind of felt at odd with working part-time when everyone around me knows that a full-time job is the "right" way to go.

But now I realize other people work part-time as well - especially here in Bellingham, where living is affordable compared to other places. Not because they have children they need to tend to, but because they want time for themselves. 

Ahhh

But this does raise another question to me: If I am spending quality time at home for my thoughts and art, why am I wasting so much time on facebook? Why am I not creating much art? What is still stopping me from going all-out and coloring my life with more creation? This is a good question, and I tend on pondering it for the next while, and on working on implementing more of the ideas in my head...

And the question above that, encompassing that one, is: What is the best way to live out my life, with the frightening realization that I am stuck in my body, with the scariness of realizing that life is just one?





September 27, 2017:

I suffer when I work in jobs I don't love and when I don't have an adequate amount of hours per day to be in my home. I suffer because I'm scared of authority and strict rules and need my home space and a warm accepting environment in order to feel safe. I find jobs whose goals I believe in and that suit my passions (so I usually go for challenging educational jobs and not secretarial work or the like - even though the latter actually may be mentally easier for me), and I only continue when the person in charge of me is kind and not overbearing. I cannot tolerate being in a work environment whose rules I don't fully understand, and if I continue in such a job I dread going to it every day. I stay away from that dread by finding small jobs I love. I don't run after money. I don't really like money, and well I don't really think about money, because I spend much of my existence in the realm of the mind and the creative thoughts (but as Tal says, you can't buy groceries with the ideas in your head.) I live a relatively simple life so I don't need much money. And ultimately, I don't suffer in the present in order to save money for the future.

But then, after all, I am saddened by the fact that I do not have enough money to do the things my heart calls for, like buy art supplies for my art, a guitar to play beautiful songs on, organic food to support sustainable agriculture, supplies to make nice birthday presents for all the people I love, and a flight back from Israel when I fly there this winter. And eventually, in the next few years, to open the bakery of my dreams. To donate money. To help build more normal animal shelters in Israel. To support Israeli-Palestinian and other interfaith organizations. 

Some people know how to work hard. It just was never part of me. It takes me a few hours to conjure the strength to work hard, then I can work hard for a few hours, and then I need to rest and be in a quiet safe space for another few. This means I'm not one of those people that gets up at 6 am, jumps out of bed and leaves to work for 8 or 9 hours. I get up and need my time to get my bearings together, to sit quietly at home in order to not be scared of the world around me and in order to settle, stream through and develop the thoughts in my mind.

Jobs that work for me are jobs that are not too far from home, that are only a few hours a day, and that I have full confidence in, or jobs I can do at home on the computer, like editing, translating and graphic design.

What's the point of this post? Maybe just to shed light on an understanding that becomes clearer and clearer to me with time. The situation is a combination of my never acquiring the skill of diligence (Which maybe could have been taught in elementary and high school but never was), plus my need to be in a safe space with peers and not with overbearing adults.

So all in all, I'd like to just surround myself in hominess and beauty and create thoughts and images, and not have to actually go to work.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Love




I love my dog. 
When I put my head right up to hers
there is no distance between my heart and her sweetness
and I find serenity in the closeness to her.
I listen to her heartbeat 
and watch her breathe, And pet her fur, 
as each strand of fur comes out so miraculously from her skin 
and covers and warms her body. Her body goes loose with trust 
when she is sleeping, and her four sweet paws lay calmly 
on the blanket, with those little soft cushions at the bottoms of them. 
And her little black nosey
And her floppy ears
And those little dreadlocks of fur between her eyes
Going in every-which direction
But she doesn't care.
I love her so much. It is possibly the most unconditional 
and compassionate love that I have for any living being. 
I don't want anything bad to ever happen to her.
I want her to always feel safe and content.






Thursday, February 15, 2018

Patriarchy


Some thoughts

War / sexual assault / conquer / power / patriarchy / masculine governance and rule

Sarah Sanders was asked about Trump's idea of having a military parade in a press briefing at the White House this past week, and she replied that Trump is exploring ways to show pride, support and honor for the military, "the people who have served and sacrificed, to allow us the freedoms we have."

I wonder. Is this age-old notion true? Are wars and fallen soldiers in fact the sole impelors of the freedoms we have, as conservatives believe? Or have there been/can there be more sustainable and humane ways in play to cultivate peace between nations and to grant freedoms to people? Why do we continue to praise war, and to conduct war (and then praise the fallen soldiers who have died in the name of the holy war we sent them off to)? Or - a better question is - why are we still ruled by patriarchal power-thirsty people? Why are we still ruled by men? When will the feminine side have a say in national and international affairs? When will we overcome the poisonous patriarchy that still runs our countries?





Wednesday, February 07, 2018

Joy

I'm learning so much and it's joyfully overwhelming.
I haven't got a single way to write about all of it.
That's why I need to spend more time with my new friend C'elle, practicing writing, in that spot in the forest.
That's why I need to just start somewhere, right here, with the simple things:
I'm sitting in front of the computer screen, Tal is talking to his brother on the phone, Nemo is asleep on her favorite armchair, my knee is humming as it jumps up and down tensely because of the words flowing between my brain and the tips of my toes trying to find a way out.
I'm learning so much -- I'd love to share it all.

I drink coffee in the morning and joy fills me.
I walk along the streets of Bellingham and joy fills me.

Moments of inspiration are amorphic, untouchable,
So delicate, so encompassing,
So full and so joyful,
And their vastness makes them almost illusive
Makes them unholdable
Unwritable

Except for the little end-tails
The exclamation marks at the end
The aftertaste of a sweet dream.

I feel the touchable things around me
And that's all I can possibly write about:

The coffee, the streets, the outline of an experience larger than the sum of its components,
full of exploration, illumination, realization, love.