Thursday, February 22, 2018

Time

I kind of figured out that I need a lot of home-time throughout the week, a lot of time in my safe places, to resonate with my thoughts, to write, to read, to drink coffee, to stretch out (physically and emotionally), and that therefore I really do not soundly take upon myself full-time jobs. I work at part-time jobs because it allows me the freedom to get the home-time I need, hence to be free of anxiety involved in spending too many hours out of the house which has been a part of my life in the past. I am currently looking for more jobs just because I really do not have enough money to fly and visit my grandfathers in other states or let-alone to visit my family and friends overseas, but I am a little anxious about this endeavor, and hoping I can commit to only one month, just until I have enough money for those flights I need.

Only lately I've become exposed to the phenomenon of many people - artists and others - who work part-time for reasons similar to mine. I have never met anyone in the past who has posed this idea as a way they conduct their work schedule on purpose, and so I kind of felt at odd with working part-time when everyone around me knows that a full-time job is the "right" way to go.

But now I realize other people work part-time as well - especially here in Bellingham, where living is affordable compared to other places. Not because they have children they need to tend to, but because they want time for themselves. 

Ahhh

But this does raise another question to me: If I am spending quality time at home for my thoughts and art, why am I wasting so much time on facebook? Why am I not creating much art? What is still stopping me from going all-out and coloring my life with more creation? This is a good question, and I tend on pondering it for the next while, and on working on implementing more of the ideas in my head...

And the question above that, encompassing that one, is: What is the best way to live out my life, with the frightening realization that I am stuck in my body, with the scariness of realizing that life is just one?





September 27, 2017:

I suffer when I work in jobs I don't love and when I don't have an adequate amount of hours per day to be in my home. I suffer because I'm scared of authority and strict rules and need my home space and a warm accepting environment in order to feel safe. I find jobs whose goals I believe in and that suit my passions (so I usually go for challenging educational jobs and not secretarial work or the like - even though the latter actually may be mentally easier for me), and I only continue when the person in charge of me is kind and not overbearing. I cannot tolerate being in a work environment whose rules I don't fully understand, and if I continue in such a job I dread going to it every day. I stay away from that dread by finding small jobs I love. I don't run after money. I don't really like money, and well I don't really think about money, because I spend much of my existence in the realm of the mind and the creative thoughts (but as Tal says, you can't buy groceries with the ideas in your head.) I live a relatively simple life so I don't need much money. And ultimately, I don't suffer in the present in order to save money for the future.

But then, after all, I am saddened by the fact that I do not have enough money to do the things my heart calls for, like buy art supplies for my art, a guitar to play beautiful songs on, organic food to support sustainable agriculture, supplies to make nice birthday presents for all the people I love, and a flight back from Israel when I fly there this winter. And eventually, in the next few years, to open the bakery of my dreams. To donate money. To help build more normal animal shelters in Israel. To support Israeli-Palestinian and other interfaith organizations. 

Some people know how to work hard. It just was never part of me. It takes me a few hours to conjure the strength to work hard, then I can work hard for a few hours, and then I need to rest and be in a quiet safe space for another few. This means I'm not one of those people that gets up at 6 am, jumps out of bed and leaves to work for 8 or 9 hours. I get up and need my time to get my bearings together, to sit quietly at home in order to not be scared of the world around me and in order to settle, stream through and develop the thoughts in my mind.

Jobs that work for me are jobs that are not too far from home, that are only a few hours a day, and that I have full confidence in, or jobs I can do at home on the computer, like editing, translating and graphic design.

What's the point of this post? Maybe just to shed light on an understanding that becomes clearer and clearer to me with time. The situation is a combination of my never acquiring the skill of diligence (Which maybe could have been taught in elementary and high school but never was), plus my need to be in a safe space with peers and not with overbearing adults.

So all in all, I'd like to just surround myself in hominess and beauty and create thoughts and images, and not have to actually go to work.

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