Thursday, November 29, 2018

The Same Shapes / Hugging That Which Exists

I meant to add to my previous note "... Unless there is another solution for taking care of Nemo which I have not thought of, but which you are sure will be good for Nemo."

In any case, as of this moment, I am alive and well.

I am a little overwhelmed because of the things I'm trying to fit into a two-week visit. Friends and friendship are the essence of my life's content. And here, too. Generally I try to not overschedule myself, because I like having time to breath and contemplate after human interactions, but here, it seems I've been away from the country for so long, and have so many dear friends to get together with, to share energy space with, that I do not have the luxury of scheduling only one meeting a day. Sometimes I feel bad because I need to leave quickly from one friend to get to another, and this sounds kind of paradoxical and missing the point, but I do in fact gain a lot of emotional matter from each meeting, so despite having to leave someone to get to the next one, I do appreciate not missing any of the important souls who enamor my life with color. They are each a grassroots prototype of something awesome that I relate to. They represent lives that I love being immersed in, and each in her own way is going through a certain path, but all alike are going through these separate paths alongside the same landscape: the semi-desert trees, the mediterranean heat, and some with the Israeli-nomadic-rooted type of culture illuminating their journey. Some lay out my favorite (Israeli) food: toasted bread, tahini, avocado, vegetables with a tad of olive oil and salt, in handmade ceramic bowls.

Ahh.... A breath of air... A hug. I photograph each one with my digital camera, and also with black-and-white 35 mm film in the Pentax camera, which I will develop at the beginning of next week.

I talk a lot and become ever more aware of the constraints of my mind. This happens because sometimes, when I try to explain my current mind-situation, I end with "...I don't know...", and it is true. I really don't know. I am not able to make logical schemes. Sometimes, though, I say things that make sense to me, and my friend says something that make sense to me, and somehow it is the fitting of another missing puzzle piece of heart-voices escalating through the landscape. I paint with water-colors with one dear friend (who used to be my sister-in-law) and her 3-year-old son (who is kind of like a nephew). I write "לחבק את היש" (To hug the "is"/ To hug that which exists) and my friend likes the way I color the page, with swirling brush strokes. I reluctantly explain why I feel I am not creative enough. "I only know how to draw the same shapes. I'm not creative in figuring out how to draw new shapes." And then I realize, and add, "the same is with my mental ability, with my speech, with my expression in the world: I only know how to draw the same shapes."










Sunday, November 18, 2018

As I customarily do before I fly overseas, I am again writing some instructions in case something happens to me that will cause me to no longer be alive or functioning.


First of all, if I die, I accept that sadness and longing are an integral part of the separation. I do ask of you (each one of you, dear family and friends), though, that after you allow time for grieving and pain, please rise from them and keep on living life to the fullest, being productive and happy, conquering the beauties of human ability.
I know I often say that I have not done enough yet and that I am not doing what I feel I should be/can be doing, but I also do feel that as of now, I have shared enough words in the world to form a pretty good picture of who I am and who I was, and that really no more words are needed. I am young, but I have said a lot. And also, despite my complaining, in this life right now in beautiful Bellingham, I live with Tal and Nemo, and they make my life so warm and pleasant. I am so grateful to be living in this sweet home with them and to get to spend so much quality time with them. Thank you, Tal.
These are a few things I did want to get done in my life:
Build a normal (good) dog shelter in the Beit Shemesh area and/or other areas, where the dog shelters are abysmal. The dogs would have comfortable areas, and the staff would be well-trained and well-caring, around the clock. I also want to create the community/sustainable cafe-art gallery-guest rooms-traveler hub. I also want to make an art exhibit with my art. I also want to travel around the world and volunteer with children. I also want to write a book. I also want to feel whole.

Nemo is my dearest. I know she loves me, and I love her too. I want to go on my travels knowing that if, God forbid, something happens to me, she will be taken care of in the best possible way. I do not want the responsibility of taking care of her to fall on Tal, unless he full-heartedly wants to. But he shall not feel bad about not wanting to, because I want him to be a free man who uses his talents and does the things he loves. So (unless Tal full-heartedly want to take care of her) Nemo should be brought back to Israel on a flight with someone who loves her. If she must be put in a crate she should be trained well to like her crate ahead of time, and to have things in it that make her comfortable, and the airline must be a trustworthy one for regulating temperature, etc. In Israel she should be taken in by someone who loves her. People who come to mind might be Gilad, Samuel, Dena (although Dena has another dog, but I do want to state that I know it is possible to train Nemo to befriend other dogs, by starting them off in a neutral area and slowly getting them closer, rewarding with treats, etc.), or other people who know me and know Nemo and feel they can do a good job being loving toward her, giving her hugs and kisses and compassion and a warm and safe place for the rest of her life.

Tal, please live on. Please conquer your mountaintops. I love you, we had a really unique and special time together. Cherish that and take that and keep on striding forward :)

I have many things, mostly in Israel. Now, while alive and active, I am hoping that the people who will go through my stuff will be people who appreciate who I am and hold no awkwardness toward my being; people who appreciate art - the sloppy, internal, colorful and exerpted kind.
I love everyone. Every one. Everyone's inner compassion. That is what I see in the world around me, and that is what allows me to live without much anger.
I encourage all of humanity to use their compassion to its fullest. To be patient and attentive, and above all - honest, sincere, authentic, true. Ah, what a blessing.

Thursday, November 08, 2018

Meaning


There are things that are meaningful and inspiring, if I let them exist without repressing them with thoughts of "nothing really matters." If I manage to quiet that voice, I can give wings to inspiring moments. Let them soar, let them lift me, as if they are a real thing even for just a moment, and don't negate them, I say. Even if there are substantial philosophical levels of existence and intellect in which they don't matter, in the course of this little life, they do.