Monday, January 14, 2019

The Creative Self, the Creative Energy

The creative self, the creative energy... Oh, I get nauseous sometimes when I sit down to write, even though I am being summoned to it!!! 

Type 4... Enneagram Personality Type 4. Are you familiar with what I am talking about? It is a philosophy/science about inborn personality types. There are nine types. I was recommended to do this personality test by my therapist, and I did it. I am primarily a type 4 (after which come a combination of other types, too). Type Four, according to the Enneagram Institute website, is called the Individualist. It is someone who's main concern is Being Unique. They are often creative and/or artistic, are deep examiners of their own internal state and emotions, are very emotional (but very aware of their emotions), feel unique and different, and want the world to know that.

I found a Youtube video of a woman in Europe who is herself a Type Four, and describes what that means to her, after a lot of research. Much of what she says is true for me too. These things have been known to me, but the way she articulates them is much more concise and organized than I ever did, which makes me excited, because I am always on a search for more poignant and profound connections and webs with which to mesh self-truths together.

What it interesting and new to me is the thought that these personality traits are possibly inborn. I was actually born this way: unique, wanting to prove my uniqueness, deeply emotional (having a full vibrant array of emotions, and not being afraid to look straight in their eyes) and having a creative tendency.

The Enneagram has a chart, like a circle, with all nine types on it, and essentially the placement of each type relates to those on either side of it. Type Four (the Individualist) is in between Type Three (the Achiever) and Type Five (the Investigator). So we should understand a bit about those to get a better look at Type Four, she explains.

The Achiever's main goal is achieving, getting things done, doing great things in a disciplined manner, proving their achievements to the world. The Investigator's main goal is to investigate the world and learn more about it, be innovative and insightful, and they want to be capable and useful in the world. In between these is Type 4: Like the Investigator, wants to learn and know what IS and be truthful to what IS, and like the Achiever, wants to prove themself to the world. And thus we have Type Four: learning and searching, and wanting to show the world what they find through themself and their own self-inspection, self-expression and creation.

Cindy Sherman is also a Type Four - and I figured that we have that type of thing in common, when I learned about her in art school. She made herself be the art. 

The desire to be seen as special by others, the woman in the video says, may cause you to become (or to feel) fake. I like to believe that even though I do want attention from others, I do also use my sincere abilities to do so. I do not claim to know to do something I do not. I use the skills I have, what is rightfully there, to prove or to show or to express the discoveries I make about myself and about the world. (I want people to think I am nice, but I am also truthfully nice.)

It is true, and I think I wrote a post about this somewhere else but may not have posted it, that I am always aware of how I might be perceived by others (I am always looking at myself as if I am the subject of my camera lens). And thus, I am always concerned that what I am doing is only done to be seen by others, and I often am frustrated that I cannot be free of this thought. Meaning, I do what I truly want, and I often want to rid myself of any type of concern about what others think, so that I will stop worrying whether this specific movement is done just to be judged.) Do you get what I'm saying? I'm not explaining it really well (I will write more about this another time), but I only have 15 minutes left today to write this post, because I have to go to work, which is something I don't like doing even though I like my work, because I want to stay and write freely, I want anarchal time management, so that I can be fully fully free to create at my own pace. It's what I NEED! But here we have it, 15 minutes, so I will leave this mess here, and publish it anyway, because I want to. 

I am happy I discovered the Type Four thing. It is giving me more insight about myself.

And thus: a blog post. Because, well, of course. That is what it's always been: I make a discovery, and I have to share it.

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