Tuesday, March 19, 2019


I was reading through my drafts from the past two months, and came across this strong emotion I had on a Friday night in early February, and I remember it clearly and can feel it now because in a sense I feel it now too.

...I had a certain sensation of wanting to be surrounded by a warm kind of lovers' love, I wanted all lovers around me, to cushion me, to let me rest in their presence. It was like wanting to draw to me all warmness. I felt a little isolated, a little distant, wanted to be close, wanted a hugging experience of a new love, which I said to myself opens a window of more enjoyment for everything you do. Because when you imagine a new love, it broadens everything, the whole scope of everything, and makes everything seem so novel, more unique and interesting. So I wanted that kind of love, not wanting it in the sense of needing to work toward it, but rather in a sense of wanting to lean back into it...

I envision myself being surrounded by all the contemporary men who romantically love me - those who I know about and those I don't. I thought about this yesterday too, about my desire for attention and for connection. In the past I have wanted (and still want) to paint a painting with all my past and present lovers - me and all of them, in one scene, all together. Nati, Gilad, Samuel, Tal.

All those lovers can all physically come together and be with me, as far as I'm concerned. In my mind's eye, love is fluid and has no boundaries, no time. What I mean by no boundaries is that when I feel love for someone, I'd naturally want to express it (I'm talking about love for my contemporaries: consent-able adult men) and I am restrained because it is not always appropriate to express it. I respect those boundaries, but is in unnatural to me. I'm not saying those boundaries are bad, I'm just saying that I notice that if the world were up to me, I'd have multiple lovers, for sure :-)

This leads me to another thought, which is that I am concluding that I cannot stay fulfilled in any one relationship for many years, or possibly should consider polyamory or open relationships in the future. I always need change, I always need newness, and that is totally fine with me. I see myself in the future having a child with someone who I won't necessarily even live with, let alone be married to. The main thing is that I see myself living a life of lots of love, lots of passion and compassion. I am taking my words with a grain of salt, though, too, because I am still searching and researching, and haven't even yet fully analyzed my current state of mind. I might end up just as "mainstream" as the next person. So these are only speculations, and as time and experiences unroll, I will continue to discover myself and the right paths to true meaning and liberation.

In any case, the apparent truth is that I am destined to (continue to) live an unconventional life; a free, music-driven, soul-loving life, a breath of fresh air. I love knowing that I can let myself live any life I want, and no one relationship is the final note, if I don't want it to be.

Etty, Anarchic Creation, Music

February 6th:

I read a page of Etty Hillesum's diary this morning, as part of my morning routine of reading, and I was (as always) immensely inspired and also a bit envious of her ability to express her perceptions of herself and of those around her so eloquently.

I also have in mind the new realizations I had yesterday at Kara's office. The excitement and inspiration that I had (that I always have) when I left her office accumulated with the realization that with each session I am really deepening, broadening and pinpointing the issues, the problems at hand, which gives a lot of clarity, and intellectual/spiritual clarity gives me a sense of fulfillment.

So this clarity at hand, well, maybe I can elaborate. It is about my need to have a partner who is spiritually growing and passionate about spiritual growth. That is how I defined it this morning while in the shower, and I thought that definition is sufficient. Not that I did not realize this months ago, but I think that these exact words would not have been written those months ago, and now they are, because now the idea is more solidified. That is the only difference.

I always envisioned I'd be with an artist or a philosopher, a spiritual being in any case, I told Kara, and she asked me how come I never ended up being with someone like that? I chuckled. What a good question! In a sense, they all seemed inspiring to me. Gilad was very passionate about creativity and other active things at first, for the first few years, but he became more "tame" and less spiritual later on in life, and in a sense, when I look at his personality now, I know that I would not have been able to feel fulfilled with him.

Tal seemed to me very passionate and adventurous, but he is different from me, probably more "tame" than I am, less spiritually- and creatively-driven, less community-oriented than I am, more self-sufficient, more independent, more routine-oriented, more reality-based, more conservative.

Why this bothers me, I cannot say, because I do not know. But it does. I don't know yet to determine why it is that seeing nonaction depletes my own enthusiasm, but that is, plainly put, a fact of my life, and I should accept it. I need someone motivated to change, to go, to venture into the deep cellars of the mind and of physical creativity and social action, to discover. Well, that, to me, is what gives my life its essence, its significance. To create, to be a passionate creator of thoughts, ideas and things, and to effect good change in the world, for the greater good. (Type Four, anybody?) That includes music, I should say. Music is so important to me! The highest form of art for me. And I cannot create enough of it on my own to sustain me. I need a creator by my side.

I want to talk more about the role of the job in the life, in general. For many people who are not like me, their job takes up the majority of their time and becomes a facet for their routine and well-being. Around it they build their life. It is the central axis, and everything else revolves around it. Sometimes it is because of the mindset of "needing money" all the time, or just because there really is no other passion that needs to be taken into consideration. For me, job is only one fraction of life. It is a means for socializing and doing things I am good at, and for getting the money I need to survive, but it does not fulfill my full spiritual needs, which can only find fulfillment and satisfaction through expression, anarchic and untamed in essence, or at least undictated by socially accepted ways of living. Some people find peace and wholeness in their life of waking up, going to work, coming home, doing things like passing time with TV, and going to sleep, but there is no way in hell that that kind of life would ever be mine or ever fulfill me.

I need an uhinged, passionately creative life. Sometimes I am able to live like that, and sometimes that need goes unfulfilled. But generally speaking, it is what I need.

Oh, but there is one other element that is needed too, which Tal provides abundantly, which I sometimes take for granted. Warmth, love, compassion and safety in myself and in the people around me. Without those, my passions and actions would be heartless and senseless, and thus be without meaning. Minor detail, or major issue I sometimes overlook?



I want to go back to writing poetry
About the snow illuminating
The tall branches
Like anchored veins into the sky


Beginning of March:

Last night I heard a beautiful song I love before I went to sleep. Well, it was sent to me on Whatsapp by the musician in Israel who wrote it. I asked him for the chords, and he videographed himself in his kitchen in Israel singing and playing it on guitar for me. He addressed me directly and wished me that I continue to sing and to add light to the hearts of the friends that I meet along the way on my journey. And then he closed his eyes and started strumming and singing.

This is a song I heard for the first time a few weeks ago, in a video from a sacred song circle in Israel. It touched me so deeply, it reached into the core of inspiration for me, of luminance and love and passion and tugged at my heart. And that overwhelms me, oh god, how much that overwhelms me! It's so beautiful, and makes me want to merge into those people writing the music, performing the music, and even into the music itself floating through the air, and the dissonance between that desire and my static body causes a rift that cannot be bridged.

I would want to share the video here so you could all see how wonderful it is and how sincere that man is, but it is personal, and I didn't ask his permission to share it, so I will not. I just wish everyone could share in my excitement from heart-deep music, really fully heart-deep authentic music, that a person writes from that place that I know people - especially Israelis - have rooted in them, just by being a people rooted in the earth, music that draws from an ancient language and an ancient yearning that continues through the ages and never ceases to exist.

Oh, and then I couldn't fall asleep, of course! My night's consciousness was liquidy, yearning deeply to connect to this music in the way my soul wants, while half asleep and half awake and lying static in one place without the ability to fully merge and submerge.

I also didn't know why and how I deserve this beauty, and wondered, from inside the well of inspiration, what I should do more in this world to be more deserving of it.

There is something about music that just blows my mind.