I read a page of Etty Hillesum's diary this morning, as part of my morning routine of reading, and I was (as always) immensely inspired and also a bit envious of her ability to express her perceptions of herself and of those around her so eloquently.
I also have in mind the new realizations I had yesterday at Kara's office. The excitement and inspiration that I had (that I always have) when I left her office accumulated with the realization that with each session I am really deepening, broadening and pinpointing the issues, the problems at hand, which gives a lot of clarity, and intellectual/spiritual clarity gives me a sense of fulfillment.
So this clarity at hand, well, maybe I can elaborate. It is about my need to have a partner who is spiritually growing and passionate about spiritual growth. That is how I defined it this morning while in the shower, and I thought that definition is sufficient. Not that I did not realize this months ago, but I think that these exact words would not have been written those months ago, and now they are, because now the idea is more solidified. That is the only difference.
I always envisioned I'd be with an artist or a philosopher, a spiritual being in any case, I told Kara, and she asked me how come I never ended up being with someone like that? I chuckled. What a good question! In a sense, they all seemed inspiring to me. Gilad was very passionate about creativity and other active things at first, for the first few years, but he became more "tame" and less spiritual later on in life, and in a sense, when I look at his personality now, I know that I would not have been able to feel fulfilled with him.
Tal seemed to me very passionate and adventurous, but he is different from me, probably more "tame" than I am, less spiritually- and creatively-driven, less community-oriented than I am, more self-sufficient, more independent, more routine-oriented, more reality-based, more conservative.
Why this bothers me, I cannot say, because I do not know. But it does. I don't know yet to determine why it is that seeing nonaction depletes my own enthusiasm, but that is, plainly put, a fact of my life, and I should accept it. I need someone motivated to change, to go, to venture into the deep cellars of the mind and of physical creativity and social action, to discover. Well, that, to me, is what gives my life its essence, its significance. To create, to be a passionate creator of thoughts, ideas and things, and to effect good change in the world, for the greater good. (Type Four, anybody?) That includes music, I should say. Music is so important to me! The highest form of art for me. And I cannot create enough of it on my own to sustain me. I need a creator by my side.
I want to talk more about the role of the job in the life, in general. For many people who are not like me, their job takes up the majority of their time and becomes a facet for their routine and well-being. Around it they build their life. It is the central axis, and everything else revolves around it. Sometimes it is because of the mindset of "needing money" all the time, or just because there really is no other passion that needs to be taken into consideration. For me, job is only one fraction of life. It is a means for socializing and doing things I am good at, and for getting the money I need to survive, but it does not fulfill my full spiritual needs, which can only find fulfillment and satisfaction through expression, anarchic and untamed in essence, or at least undictated by socially accepted ways of living. Some people find peace and wholeness in their life of waking up, going to work, coming home, doing things like passing time with TV, and going to sleep, but there is no way in hell that that kind of life would ever be mine or ever fulfill me.
I need an uhinged, passionately creative life. Sometimes I am able to live like that, and sometimes that need goes unfulfilled. But generally speaking, it is what I need.
Oh, but there is one other element that is needed too, which Tal provides abundantly, which I sometimes take for granted. Warmth, love, compassion and safety in myself and in the people around me. Without those, my passions and actions would be heartless and senseless, and thus be without meaning. Minor detail, or major issue I sometimes overlook?