Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Men

I was reading through my drafts from the past two months, and came across this strong emotion I had on a Friday night in early February, and I remember it clearly and can feel it now because in a sense I feel it now too.

...I had a certain sensation of wanting to be surrounded by a warm kind of lovers' love, I wanted all lovers around me, to cushion me, to let me rest in their presence. It was like wanting to draw to me all warmness. I felt a little isolated, a little distant, wanted to be close, wanted a hugging experience of a new love, which I said to myself opens a window of more enjoyment for everything you do. Because when you imagine a new love, it broadens everything, the whole scope of everything, and makes everything seem so novel, more unique and interesting. So I wanted that kind of love, not wanting it in the sense of needing to work toward it, but rather in a sense of wanting to lean back into it...

I envision myself being surrounded by all the contemporary men who romantically love me - those who I know about and those I don't. I thought about this yesterday too, about my desire for attention and for connection. In the past I have wanted (and still want) to paint a painting with all my past and present lovers - me and all of them, in one scene, all together. Nati, Gilad, Samuel, Tal.

All those lovers can all physically come together and be with me, as far as I'm concerned. In my mind's eye, love is fluid and has no boundaries, no time. What I mean by no boundaries is that when I feel love for someone, I'd naturally want to express it (I'm talking about love for my contemporaries: consent-able adult men) and I am restrained because it is not always appropriate to express it. I respect those boundaries, but is in unnatural to me. I'm not saying those boundaries are bad, I'm just saying that I notice that if the world were up to me, I'd have multiple lovers, for sure :-)

This leads me to another thought, which is that I am concluding that I cannot stay fulfilled in any one relationship for many years, or possibly should consider polyamory or open relationships in the future. I always need change, I always need newness, and that is totally fine with me. I see myself in the future having a child with someone who I won't necessarily even live with, let alone be married to. The main thing is that I see myself living a life of lots of love, lots of passion and compassion. I am taking my words with a grain of salt, though, too, because I am still searching and researching, and haven't even yet fully analyzed my current state of mind. I might end up just as "mainstream" as the next person. So these are only speculations, and as time and experiences unroll, I will continue to discover myself and the right paths to true meaning and liberation.

In any case, the apparent truth is that I am destined to (continue to) live an unconventional life; a free, music-driven, soul-loving life, a breath of fresh air. I love knowing that I can let myself live any life I want, and no one relationship is the final note, if I don't want it to be.




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