Thursday, April 11, 2019

Pondering - Laziness or True Inquiry?

SO, I really want to write. This time, I'm speaking the words as I write them. I mean, out loud. I'm saying them, and there are three sounds happening simultaneously: The keyboard being tapped, my voice speaking these words, and the coffee dripping through the coffee machine, because I want something to wake me up, and even though it's decaf, it still wakes me up - or gives me jitters - which isn't fun, but I deny that and pretend it helps me wake up. I didn't sleep well last night. My mind was a broken record. It happens sometimes. It's not always bad though. Sometimes the broken record is a hopeful one, sometimes - lately - I've been filling with anticipation and inspiration for things inside of me and things I feel will be actualized in the world in the coming years. Oh, the coffee has finished - well, I made so little of it, I always do because I drink about 1/3 cup of coffee and not more than that, in the mug that Odelia made for me while she was studying ceramics at Bezalel Art School in Jerusalem. Anyway, now, with the silence of the coffee machine, I hear Nemo's breaths, too. She is resting on the couch, elderly, tired, but surrounded by my love always.

Anyway, I wanted to write about unconventional/nonconventional living. I tend to surround myself with unconventional (unique, freethinking) people, but it happens now and then that I am faced with a different reality, as I rendezvous with people from a more traditional mindset, and that mindset often includes being skeptical or judgmental of those unconventionalists among us.

Before I get into that, I want to remind the public that I have a problem retrieving words from my brain. The place that restores and retrieves words is somewhat blurry and not focused for me, in the peripheral vision of my brain, and I often cannot think of the words I want, even though I know they must be in my brain somewhere. (My therapist says that reading more books can be helpful, so I borrowed ten books from the nonfiction section of the library yesterday, to improve my vocabulary while also learning some things about childcare, Islam and feminism.) Sometimes I can't even remember how to spell words that I really should - or used to (I'm not sure) know how to spell. And my typos have been seemingly more frequent, although I'm not sure if this is truly the case. My fingers on my phone always seem to be making typos, especially when I type eagerly and quickly, which is quite often the case, because when I have an idea I spew it out like a rocket.

Anyway, back to the topic of nonconventional living. I wonder if my satisfaction with the way things are are a laziness or a true understanding that I am doing what is right for me. I don't mean to say that I don't want to push myself farther in certain fields, but I just mean that sometimes I have this belief that just being kind to people is good enough some days and is a gift that I have that is worthy, not less than having a career, and I wonder if that belief is just settling for mediocrity, because I could be (according to the Western dogma) doing things like studying for a master's degree in something, or running a business, or AT LEAST working at a full-time job making some good $$$!

The idea is, I love moving to a fro, being a nomad of ideas and places, being able to sit in my own skin, feeling enlightened through music, smiling at people and saying "thank you," working on healing from terrible godawful things like sexual shame, painting a painting over the span of months, reading fragments of books, writing fragments of ideas, petting and hugging and kissing and talking to Nemo and believing that my love for her is keeping her health strong even at age 13, taking hot showers, drinking coffee (sometimes), being vegan, thinking about the prospects of peace and nonviolence in this world, trying to work on being kind and nurturing even to people who I am angry at (there are very few of those, but they do exist), working on nonviolent communication, fantasizing about the life I want to live, staying up at night with ideas and excitement, moving states, rolling through places on wheels, being part of a community, being active in the community, working with kids, teaching people things that I have been gifted to know, getting to read books to kids and listen to kids and have meaningful interactions with them, singing the "Good Morning Earth" song with my KG+1st Graders at the Sunday School, teaching kids how to weave, singing to them and taking them outdoors and hopefully showing them the wonders of song and music and nature. There are so many wonderful things going on in my life!

True, I do not have a degree in anything. (I went to art school, but that was for a diploma, not a degree.) I do not make a lot of money. (I am fine with that. There are more important things to have a lot of. Like integrity, authenticity, curiosity, openness.) I don't have one single "home" (I have many). I keep moving. I've had three different partners since the age of twenty. (Each one unique and amazing and I care about them all.) I wear the same clothes and the same shoes over and over again, and I so seldom brush my hair (and I wear the same socks that Bob bought me for the PCT four years ago because they are still good).

I don't know why I am writing this post. I don't need to convince anyone. Most people around me are unconventional and freethinking already anyway. Maybe I just want to pose the question of whether in today's day and age, the ability to sit back and observe (the luxury to do so) is Laziness, or True Inquiry!

Ah. Who will know?

I mean, I know that the time I need is *important* to me, but 100 years ago people didn't spend all this time pondering, and did they get more done, or less? Did they find a certain asset, through hard work, that I cannot find today, because I do not dedicate myself to that amount of consistent routine effort? Or on the contrary - did they not fulfill their talents the way we can today?

(And you know what the hardest part of this is? That I so hate peeling myself away from home and going out to work, even though I love my jobs. Like now. I want to stay and keep writing.)

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