Tuesday, May 07, 2019

Abundance and Scarcity

I want to write; there is so much for me to share. Where do I even start? What should I write about today and what can I save for another day? I was sitting in a store in front of a mirror, peering at myself, watching my long hair on the sides of my shoulders, letting a sense of grief wash over me. And before that I found myself sitting somewhere else, feeling tired, imagining, through my static body, beams piercing through me and out, cascading in insidious rays, toward a sensual embrace with others, with all, a deep connection, envisioning the webs that shoot out of me sometimes, and how they are so vibrant, so ecstatic and inspired, so waiting for a response, to be cradled, to be colorful, even through sadness. 

Maybe I should write about abundance versus scarcity? 
Well I should say, I'm in a blunder. I'm in the midst of what seems to be a life change coming up, the train is about to hit me and I will be shaken up from the core, forced to come to hard terms with what I (now, within the abundance of this home) claim to be acceptance of change and of my spiritual nomadism. 
When I have abundance, I strive for self-fulfillment, and I know that Tal, unfortunately, cannot be a spiritual partner for this journey. Tal is so dear to me, and this is not to say that I do not care about him deeply, because I do.
When I have a sense of scarcity - feeling the absence of warmth and safety - I strive for connection (lower down on Maslow's pyramid), and am aware of my strong connection to Tal and my desire to stay with him, through a love that is present but hard for me to explain.
And I always sway back and forth between the awareness of abundance and the awareness of scarcity (while being with Tal is actually the predisposition for the sense of abundance, so he is the one who grants the warmth and security for me to contemplate my self-fulfillment in the first place), and I wonder which is the one I should make decisions from.
If I am to believe that in the world there is scarcity, that a catastrophe - physical or emotional - is underway, then I should make decisions from that place, and should strive for safety and warmth. And if I believe that there is abundance, and that my basic needs will be met, I should strive for self-fulfillment. Is the latter a luxury, a pretense, or a virtue? I feel that these are more than just a state of mind, but really a belief in the state of the world, and in what the probabilities are of life.

I also wish to write about monogamy, about my alternative ideas, about love and connection, about my awe at the abundant love, connection and belonging I feel in the community here, and how I feel immensely fulfilled, gratified and grateful from the things I do here.

I really do want to write about love, though, because I feel a lot of it.

But maybe also about grief, because I feel it too.

I want to sit with the love I receive from others, I want to meditate on it, to stay in that awareness of feeling loved. It is a good place to be.