Tuesday, March 10, 2020

24 hours before my flight back to the US...

Fear... Creeps up in the darkness of the night, makes me feel naked of strength and resilience, vulnerable to the elements of unpredictability. I woke up this morning in the living room of my parents' home with a scary image on my mind. Of my mom in their home letting our a heart-wrenching cry, as if I had died in America. I experienced a milisecond of that image upon awakening, and then forgot about it until tonight. It came back to me, and this time lingered longer, because it was added to the already-deep anxiety and fear about leaving my family.

In a sense, I'm back in the loops I was at the beginning of my trip: Should I leave? Should I go? What is right? Am I leaving just out of spite? (I have excuses why it's better for me to be afar.) But that is so silly, to distance reconciliation just so that I will be fine leaving. I am convincing myself of something, but maybe it is not even right. Maybe if I tried living here it could be good. I imagine "what if I lived up north? And I'd come for this or that event or day and then drive back up to my home..." (because my brain tends to imagine what coulda woulda been). But I am also so excited. I feel the excitement now of returning to D. I don't write about him and I keep the excitement of our relationship to myself (and to him) but sometimes I want to shout from the rooftops how lucky I am. Instead I send him long text message monologues full of ardor and emotion, or tell him about it in person. I don't talk to my friends or family much about him. With my friends because I don't want to make them feel bad (even though they say they are truly happy for me), and with my family because they aren't that interested in hearing about my life out of Israel and because I have some guilt and feelings of abandonment every time I enter a partnership with someone.

I want to write out all my fears. Unravel them. They are deep and real. Unraveling them lightens them a bit. Makes them manageable. Makes them seem what they are: part of the story. Just another twist in the plot. Wow, I can feel as I watch my story unfold. That is so fascinating, I can say. We each have a fascinating story, and if only we could see them as such and tell them with pride, and believe that whatever we do in them and whatever happens in them is good.

If I've decided to do this thing that I'm doing, you know, of moving away from my family and living in another country, and putting a beautiful place and a partnership and a creative community above religious ideology and being physically close to family, then that's what's happening, folks, and that is what is good. There may be no purpose in seeing things any other way.

Okay, so I've unraveled a bit. It feels better. I'm expanding a bit into abundance.

Then the coronavirus issue. I'm not too concerned, but I think maybe I should be? Who knows. Like, having Nemo walk through the airports on her fours tomorrow night and collecting particles of viruses, that can't be good, right? So how much should I go out of my way to find some annoying solution, like buying a cart to put her in, or making little rubber gloves for her paws...? I have such difficulty deciding and processing even the littlest things it seems.

Look how interesting! I am writing a post now in a time of emotional distress. I've been wanting to write for a while in difficulty, and then sometimes in tremendous excitement, but only now, when I am 24 hours before my flight back to the US (god willing) the tension is finally enough to get me to sit down and write. It's liek I have no option but to write now. There is no other way to firmly unravel my unrest.

It's Purim, and it's a good way to end my visit here because the celebrations with my family feel fun, safe, cozy and nourishing. It's a blessing. Even though I am torn and my heart is partially broken, I am still blessed. I am blessed to have in my life who I have. I am blessed to have my little 9-month-old niece with her pudgy cheeks and little button nose and green eyes, who I love to pieces and miss when I'm away for even one day and don't know how I will survive without, when I'm across the world without watching her grow up.

But, again. Goodness, beauty, bountiful blessings. I should focus on the expansiveness of everything. How we are all connected. How I can be collaborative with the world while being here and there and everywhere. Being together with the wind that oversees and flows through everything, instead of feeling like a small human confined to a small space and time. Abundance of space. Abundance of giving. Abundance of receiving. Abundance of sacredness and wholeness and loving.

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